


Awakening

by idontwantyoutoknowwhoiam



Category: Kate McKinnon - Fandom, SNL - Fandom, Saturday Night Live
Genre: Bisexual Character, F/F, F/M, Lesbian Character, Multi, Office Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-05-25 20:56:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 26,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14985428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idontwantyoutoknowwhoiam/pseuds/idontwantyoutoknowwhoiam
Summary: A girl starts her dream job and meets an amazing woman, but she's confused by her feelings toward her.





	1. First Day

It’s my first day at my new job, and I can’t wait to start! I’ve landed my dream job, finally! But, also, I definitely can wait to start because when I get in the elevator at 30 Rock, my palms are drenched and my whole body is shaking. I wipe my hands on my jeans and take some deep breaths as the elevator takes me up to the eighth floor. I notice the peacocks on the carpet of the elevator, and it hits me again in a huge wave that I’m about to write for Saturday Night Live. Now my palms are wet again.

I get off the elevator, and I’m greeted by a page who directs me to the studio. I’ll never forget this first time walking onto the floor: under the scaffolding, then the lights and stage coming into view. It took my breath away.

There is one other new writer and three new cast members this season. I had been glad to have some company to take in all the newness with, except I’m the first one here because I’m obsessively early to things. The page told me to sit on one of the stools, so I do. I’m looking around, really trying to soak in every last detail, when I hear voices behind me. I recognize them both immediately. Fuck. Kate McKinnon and Lorne Michaels are approaching the room I am sitting in. I’m probably about to have to talk to them, and that’s a lot to take in. Obviously, I’ll eventually have to get used to talking to people I idolize, but this is a big encounter on day one. I take a deep breath, and turn around to face them.

“Ah. Looks like we have another early bird on the team!”

Holy shit. Her eyes are even more blue in person. She’s wearing jeans and a chambray shirt with black tennis shoes. Lorne, of course, is in a suit.

He introduces me to Kate.

“It’s so nice to meet you. I’m a big fan.”

“Well, I can’t wait to be a big fan of yours!”

I laugh at that. I’m not entirely sure how I got this job, so I’m pretty doubtful I’ll make an impression. She ignores my deflection.

“I’m excited to work with some new people! And I’ve heard great things about you, but mainly I’m excited to have someone to talk to in the mornings besides Lorne because no one else is ever early.”

“Well, good to know I’ll be useful in at least one respect.”

The rest of the day is a blur of meeting people and tours. It's exhausting and overwhelming. I spend most of the day with the other new kids, and I love them! We all get along really well, and I'm super excited to work with them. I go straight to bed when I get home, and I fall asleep so fast that I don't even remember laying down.

 

I arrive considerably early again the next day. I allowed myself an hour for my 20 minute commute just in case something went wrong. I’m ridiculous like that. I wander around the empty halls for a bit before I end up at Kate’s office door. It’s cracked open, so I can hear  her typing. I knock gently, and I’m greeted with, “That must be Emma!” She pulls the door open, smiling.

“How’d you know?”

“Well, like I said, no one else would be here this early, and Lorne wouldn’t knock.”

We both laugh, and she invites me in. She motions for me to sit on the couch, which I do. She sits back down at her desk.

“So, how are you feeling?”

“Still very nervous.”

“I feel ya. I was terrified the first two years full years here.”

“Yay! Things to look forward to!”

We both laugh.

“It’s not that bad. You will be stressed, but it’ll be fun! And, look! We already have a morning routine!”

I can’t complain about this new world where my morning routine apparently involves casual conversations with Kate McKinnon. This has to be a dream. But then again, hopefully my dream version of this would involve less anxiety. She must sense that I’m still apprehensive because she puts her hand on my knee and quietly adds, “I know it’s intimidating, but you’re going to be great. Let’s get out of here for lunch later and chat. Think that would help?”

I smile with relief of not being in this building thinking about the pressure all day. “Can’t wait!”


	2. Lunch

“Ugh. That’s annoying.”

We’re sitting at a table at a small cafe a few blocks from Rockefeller Center. There are a couple girls a few tables over not even trying to be subtle about snapping photos of Kate.

“If they were fans and wanted a photo, that’d be totally okay, but just doing it without my permission makes me feel weird, ya know?” 

I’m fascinated by how she can be annoyed yet kind at the same time. She does not like what these girls are doing to her, but she isn’t really blaming them or getting angry. I wear my emotions much more on my sleeve than that.

“Yeah. It’s kind of awkward.” I get fake excited, “Do you think this will be on TMZ later? I can be ‘Unknown Woman’ in ‘Kate McKinnon Takes Unknown Woman to Lunch!’”

She really gets a kick out of that shitty little joke. And it still feels weird to hear actual comedians laughing at things I come up with. What is my life right now?

“Thanks for bringing me out for lunch. It’s nice to get some fresh air, relax, and forget about the crushing anxiety of trying to impress my comedy idols.”

Kate gets mock offended by that. “You should be trying to impress me 24/7, thank you very much!”

We both laugh. “I feel moderately more relaxed around you for some reason. Even though, if I’m being totally honest and embarrassing, you’re my favorite.”

Kate laughs and bats her eyelashes acting flattered, “Oh! To be Unknown Woman’s favorite!”

Banter. I’m having banter with Kate McKinnon. Joy. Pride. Amazement. Those are the emotions I expected to feel. And I do feel them, but I also feel comfort. It’s as if we’ve been friends for years.

  
  


At some point during the day, I memorized her face. Now, laying on the couch at home, trying to process everything, it’s all I can see. God, her eyes are gorgeous. And that cute little nose. Don’t get me started on the dimples. 

I’m sitting here trying to figure out why I’m thinking about her so much when my cat jumps up and runs away. A moment later, the door opens, and my husband is home.

“Hi, honey. How was your day,” I greet him, getting up to give him a hug.

“It was alright.”

“Just alright?”

“Yeah.. How was your day?”

“Great!” I launch into an account of the meetings and my lunch out with Kate. 

He cooks dinner, and we go to bed early. I’m so exhausted, and the season hasn’t even started yet. I’m dozing off when my phone vibrates. A text from Kate!

“Hola! Aidy and I are gonna get bfast in the morn. Wanna join?”

“Of course!”

Now, I’m full of adrenaline, and I’m not going to be able to sleep. I haven’t felt this excited to spend time with someone in a long time.


	3. Breakfast

I wrap my arms around Kate, showing her how to hold a golf club. We do a practice swing, then I step away, and she drives the ball into the fairway. I’m hugging her when I hear music playing. That’s strange on a golf course. I look around, then I’m in my bed, suddenly awake. Did I just have a dream about teaching Kate McKinnon to play golf, a sport that I don’t even know how to play? Weird.

I check my phone and see a text from Kate. “Change of plans. Breakfast at my house. Omelettes and avocado toast!” She includes the address, which is just a 10 minute train ride away. I had no idea I’d been living in her neighborhood.

I get up, shower, get dressed, pet my cat, kiss my husband, and head out the door.

I’m excited and a little nervous to be in Kate’s apartment. I know she’s a very private person, so it feel special to be invited over after only knowing her for a few days. Did she have the same feeling of comfort with me as I did with her? Why have I been thinking about her non-stop? I mean, I had a little crush on her when I first saw Ghostbusters, but I’ve never been with a woman, and I’m married, so I figured it was more of an admiration of her talent than anything else.

Soon enough, I’m knocking on her door. Aidy lets me in and greets me with a hug. These have to be the two nicest people in show business. It smells amazing in the little apartment, and one of the first things I notice is Nino sitting on the dining table. I’m immediately anxious because it seems weird to know her cat’s name even though she’s never mentioned him to me. But she talks about him in interviews frequently, and, as an SNL fan, of course I’ve seen a few of them. I walk over to pet him, and Aidy saves me from my inner turmoil by saying, “That’s Kate’s son, Nino.” I reach to pet him, and he gets up and runs away. 

“You have to earn his love.” Kate walks in from the kitchen wearing an apron, sweatpants, and a t-shirt. She gives me a hug, and I stop breathing for a second. Why am I reacting this way? “Breakfast will be ready in 2 minutes!” With that, she runs back into the kitchen.

We sit at the table chatting, mostly about me. They ask questions about where I’m from (South Carolina), how I got into comedy (watching SNL), etc. The meal is amazing. Apparently, Kate learned to cook from her mom. She shows me pictures of her family, including her dad, who she doesn’t linger on very long. I get a tour of her apartment, which is immaculate. She’s a very clean, organized person, apparently. I mention it, but she disagrees. “I’ve just had a lot of time on my hands this summer. Come back next month,” she laughs. I hope I do.

Aidy calls a car to take us to 30 Rock, and we all squeeze in the backseat, Kate in the middle. It feels electric to have her pressed up against me in this small space. Obviously, she’s a gorgeous woman, but I’ve always assumed I was straight, and I’m married, so I don’t 100% know what to make of this. What if I’ve been wrong about myself my whole life? That can’t be because I’m attracted to my husband, right? I make a mental note to google these feelings later. 

Another busy day of prepping for the new season comes and goes, and I head home exhausted. When I walk in the door, there are flowers on the table, and I smell dinner cooking. Brian comes around the corner, smiling. 

“Surprise! I thought I’d do a little something special to celebrate your first few days at SNL!” 

“Thank you!!” I give him a big hug and kiss. He’s the best, and I’m excited for a little at-home date. But something still feels off inside me, and it’s starting to make me very anxious.


	4. An Errand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks for reading. I know this is a little different than a lot of the other Kate fics out there, so please let me know what you think! I'm writing this mostly for me as an outlet, but I'd love to hear your thoughts!

It’s finally Friday! The first week is over, and I feel such a huge sense of relief to have survived. But at the same time, next week is a new beast as it’s the first show of the season! 

“Hold the elevator,” a familiar voice calls out, and I quickly hit the button to open the doors. Kate runs into the elevator. “I’m glad I caught you! Do you wanna grab dinner together?”

“Sure! But I have to run an errand first. Do you mind?”

“Of course not! Where are we going?”

“The jewelry store. I had some pieces repaired, and they’re ready.”

“Lead the way!” The elevator doors open, and we head to the store. 

The clerk is very nice and hands me a small bag with my jewelry in it. I immediately take out my wedding rings and put them on. 

“Ah. I’ve felt naked without these for the past few weeks..”

Kate looks at me with shock.

“What’s wrong?” Did I do something wrong?

“You’re married?”

“Yeah.. Have I not mentioned that?”

“No!”

“Oh.. Well, yeah.”

“Oh my god.”

“Is that a problem?”

Kate starts laughing hysterically.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.. It’s just…” She can’t get a sentence out from laughing so hard.

“Is it that hard to believe that I’m married?”

“No.. I’ve been stressing all week about something that it turns out isn’t even an option!”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve been pining over whether or not I should ask you out since we work together, but it turns out that it was all for naught.” She’s still laughing at herself. 

“Wait. You were going to ask me out?”

“Yeah! Sorry, I know it’s kind of awkward now, but if you had heard how seriously I’ve been discussing this only for it to be this huge misunderstanding; it’s like a bad sitcom.”

I really have no idea what to make of this or how to respond. My head is spinning.

“Are we still gonna eat dinner?”

Kate composes herself a little bit. 

“Yes! I’m starving.”

“Lead the way!” She smiles at my using her line, and we head to a restaurant a few blocks away.

The whole way there, my mind is racing. Kate wanted to ask me out. My heart skipped a beat when she said that. It was exhilarating, and I was already imagining how amazing it would be. But then I realized it wasn’t going to happen anymore, and I was devastated. All of that in under a minute. What a whirlwind! 

I’m still confused about my feelings towards her. It’s pretty obvious at this point that they’re romantic, but I’m not sure how to assimilate that into what is currently my identity. For right now, it makes me happy to spend time with her, so I guess I’ll just keep doing that.

We make it to the restaurant and are seated in the back at Kate’s request.

“I hope things aren’t going to be weird between us now?” Kate’s face has a hint of worry on it.

“Oh no! Don’t worry about it! I’m flattered, really.”

Kate laughs. I can tell something is a little off, but soon enough, we’re in our usual banter. Now that I’m more aware of it, we might actually be flirting. Have I been subconsciously flirting with her all week?

We eat and chat, and, before I know it, it’s been almost three hours. 

“Shit. I need to get home!”

Kate checks her watch. “Oh my god! We’ve been here forever. Nino is going to be so worried!” 

We pay our checks, leave, and hop on the train. We hug as she gets off at her stop, and I continue uptown. I feel a little guilty that this is the best night I’ve had in a long time, including the date night with my husband the other day.


	5. Live from New York!

It’s the morning of my first episode of SNL, and I’m a trainwreck of different emotions. I’m nervous, proud, excited, scared, insecure, etc. etc. etc. On top of that there’s my feelings for Kate, which only grew stronger this week. None of my sketches were chosen for the live show (though one did make it to the table read!), but I ended up working with Kate and Aidy on one. We had so much fun joking around together. Kate and I are both relentless in our pursuit of making the sketch perfect, and I think we exhausted Aidy a bit with our intensity. But I’m really proud of what we have, and I hope it makes it to air!

I arrive in the studio early-afternoon for some rehearsals and tweaking. I feel like I blink and we’re through the dress rehearsal. Our sketch gets picked for the live show in the post-dress meeting, and Kate and I immediately start honing it even more. We really are on the same wavelength when it comes to this, and we work together with such ease. Remember when I wasn’t sure if we were flirting? We definitely are. A lot. I’m not sure how to take it when she touches me because she’s a very touchy person with everyone, but I’m not going to complain. Even though that makes me feel guilty. I spend all day with her, then go home and think about her, and I feel like I’m barely present with Brian.

I can’t think about that now though because I’m standing under the rafters in the studio trying to absorb every detail of this dream come true. I feel a hand on my shoulder.

“How are you feeling?” How does she instantly calm me?

“Okay. I’m just trying to soak it in.”

“Yeah.. I still remember my first show. It flies by and goes in slow motion at the same time. I know it makes no sense, but you’ll see shortly.”

“I believe you already because I feel that way about the whole week.”

“You’re doing a great job, by the way.”

“Thanks. I just hope the live audience likes the sketch as much as the dress one did.”

“They will. And your jokes got the most laughs!” That makes me smile. She pats my back and turns away, “Gotta get to make up…”

“Break a leg!”

Just then my phone vibrates. It’s a text from Brian letting me know he’s here. I go greet him at the elevator. He looks very handsome, and I’m glad he dressed for the occasion because I managed to get him a seat on the floor.

“My sketch didn’t get cut, so get excited!”

He gives me a big hug. “I’m so proud of you!” We kiss, and I show him to his seat. Five minutes to showtime!

  
  


Weekend Update ends, and we’re running late. I’m standing in the hall when Kate walks by on her way to her way back into the studio. A PA runs up to us and says we have to cut 15 more seconds off of our sketch. 

“Aidy and I are in the next one; can you handle this?”

“You trust me?” 

She grabs my shoulders, looks me in the eye, and says, “Of course. Do your thing!” She hugs me and rushes off to the floor. 

I’m filled with confidence, so I pull out my script and immediately cut 10 seconds worth of dialogue. It takes me another minute or so to get rid of the other five seconds, but I do it and deliver the changes to the necessary people in the commercial break before it airs. This show is insane. 

  
  


As soon as the goodbyes are over, Kate finds me and envelopes me in a hug.

“Oh my god! I can’t believe my first episode is over.”

“I told you!” She leans back and kisses my cheek. “Your work did not go unnoticed. I think ours was the highlight of the night!”

“I agree with that,” Brian walks up to us, smiling the biggest, proud smile.

“You might be biased.” I hug him tightly and introduce him and Kate. I could be imagining it, but I think her face falls a bit.

“Thanks for working with her this week. You’re one of her idols, and I know it’s a memory she’ll treasure forever,” he says to Kate. 

“Stop embarrassing me,” I laugh.

Her smile returns in full force. “The pleasure was all mine,” Kate hugs me again. “I’m going to change. See you guys at the after party?”

“Of course!”

  
  


An hour and half into the after party, Brian excuses himself to go home. I still have insane amounts of adrenaline (and some alcohol), so I decide to stay a bit longer. Kate, Aidy, and Leslie are a bit tipsy as well, and we’re at a table together laughing hysterically even though we don’t remember what was funny to start with. 

When “Empire State of Mind” comes on, we all look up in unison. It’s so cheesy, but that song is such a jam. Kate jumps up, grabs my hand, and says, “You have to dance to this one!” I have been avoiding the dance floor all night because I’m a terrible dancer, but I finally give in.

By the time the song ends, Kate and I are familiar with each others’ bodies. When the music stops, I’m suddenly aware that we are in public, so I try to laugh it off like it’s no big deal even though my entire body feels electrically charged and I can’t think clearly. A few people seem to have taken notice of us, but they’ll forget about it by morning probably.

I go to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. I’m drying my hands when the door opens and Aidy walks in. 

“So, I think we need to talk…”


	6. Tough Conversations

My anxiety is immediately at full blast. Five terrible possibilities flash through my mind, but I manage, I think, to keep it cool on the outside.

“What’s up?”

“What’s going on with you and Kate?”

Oh fuck. I decide to play it innocent until I know exactly what she means. “What do you mean?”

“I think you know what I mean. You are married to a man, but you are flirting with her and dancing with her, and I see the way you look at her. And she told me that she told you about wanting to ask you out. So what are your intentions here?” She’s being defensive of her friend. She is a little angry at me, but she’s still kind. I wonder how much she’s caught on to my feelings toward Kate. 

I’m not sure how to handle this. She is very much going to be on Kate’s side, so I don’t want to reveal too much, especially since I don’t totally know what my intentions are. But I’m a very honest person. Not only am I a bad liar, I just hate doing it.

“Umm.. I mean, Kate is amazing. Anyone would be lucky to be with her, but I think we’re just friends.” That is the truth. It’s not the complete, detailed truth of my feelings, but it’s an accurate statement. 

Aidy narrows her eyes at me. “Okay. Just be careful. She’s very kind and very trusting. Do not hurt her.”

“I won’t.”

She leaves, and I finally exhale the breath I was apparently holding. Aidy is right. I’m not really being fair to Kate. I need to sort out what I’m feeling because I don’t want to hurt anybody. 

  
  


I wake up at noon on Sunday. It is my one day off, but it doesn’t feel like a day off at all. I have to have pitches ready for tomorrow, and I’m having a late lunch with my best friend today. That should be fun, but I’m hoping she’ll help me figure out my feelings, so it might be a tough conversation.

I suppose I fit the mold of bisexual. I do some googling about how other people realized they were bi, and pretty soon I’m laying on my bed crying at how much I relate to it. It scares me that I never realized before. I’m 28 years-old, and I’m just now figuring out my sexuality? This seems somewhat normal judging from the testimonies on the internet, but it feels hard to believe. There were signs throughout my life now that I’m thinking about it, but I didn’t know what to make of them until now. I decide that I will try to come out to my friend today, but I’m not sure I can. I’m having trouble saying, “I’m bisexual,” out loud in a room by myself. How can I reveal it to someone I’ve known most of my life? I know she’ll be accepting, but it’s scary because what if she isn’t? What if it changes everything?

I take my mind off of it by brainstorming some sketch pitches for tomorrow. I have a list in my notebook already, so I hone some of those ideas and come up with a few new ones as well. 

Around 1:30, I get a text from Kate. “Good Morning! How are you feeling today? I feel like shit.”

“Haha, I feel okay. Just tired and stressed for another week.”

“Ugh. I’m too hungover to worry about next week..”

“No hangover here. Drink some water!!”

“That requires getting out of bed.” With that one, she includes a photo of Nino laying on her chest in her bed. I do the heart tapback on that photo.

She quickly responds, “How did you do that?!’

“Do what?”

“Put that little heart there!”

“OMG. How old are you? My mom knows how to use tapbacks.” I do a screen recording showing her how to do it.

“You can make a video of your screen? Are you a wizard?” 

I send her a Harry Potter gif.

“This is too much technological advancement for me. I’m going back to sleep.”

I do a laugh tapback on that message. “Sleep tight. Give Nino a cuddle for me.”

I’m smiling ear-to-ear from messaging her. The giddy feeling fades quickly though because it’s time for me to get ready for lunch. I’ve been going through various forms of the conversation I have to have, and I still don’t know if I can do it. I need to though because I can’t keep things to myself very long. It will eat me alive.


	7. Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter yet. Hope that's okay! As relationships progress, I plan for there to be some sexier moments, and I'm curious if you all would like them to be more detailed or implied. Let me know!

Taylor is laughing at herself when she suddenly stops and looks at me moving my food around aimlessly with my fork.

“Okay. What’s wrong? I figured you would get to it eventually, but I’m impatient.”

“What?”

“You’ve barely said anything. You aren’t eating. What’s going on?”

I throw on a fake smile, not ready for the real talk to start. “Nothing.”

“Emma.”

I sigh. “It’s just.. I’ve had these feelings lately, and I don’t really know what to do about it.”

“Okay. What kind of feelings?” She’s not prying. She’s trying to understand because she’ll do anything to help me. She’s the greatest friend in the world, and that’s why I’m so scared to tell her something that could change things.

I take a deep breath, “Just questioning things…”

“With your new job?”

“No…”

“With what? Brian?”

“Kind of, but not really that, no.”

She waits. I continue, “I’m scared to tell you.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“I know it’s not going to happen, but it could change things between us.”

“Nothing is going to change. I will always love you.”

I look down at my food. “I think I’m….”

She waits patiently for me to finish my sentence. I don’t. “You’re what?”

“I think I’m…” I let out a deep breath. It shouldn’t be hard to say this out loud. It’s really not a big deal.

“Emma. Tell me.”

“I can’t.”

“You can tell me anything.”

I take a few breaths, pick at my food a little more, then finally say, “I think I’m bi.”

“Okay. I already kind of knew that.”

I snap my head up. “What? Really?”

“Yeah..”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I can’t tell you your identity, love.”

“I don’t know what to do about it.”

“I don’t think you have to do anything about it.”

“But it’s like this whole new side of me I never explored. And now I’m thinking about women all the time. And I don’t want to hurt Brian.”

“Are you having sex with other people?”

“What? No!”

“Would you feel guilty if you were thinking about other men?”

“Probably not.”

“You’re putting a lot of emphasis on the gender. It’s new for you, but it doesn’t mean you have to go change anything.”

“I guess you’re right.”

  
  


I’m feeling a little better now that some of this is off my chest. I can breathe a little easier now. I eventually will have to tell Brian, but I don’t want to yet. Not until I’ve figured it out a bit more myself.

Brian and I settle in to watch a movie, but I fall asleep 20 minutes in. 

  
  


I grab some doughnuts on the way to 30 Rock the next morning and head straight to Kate’s office. She’s already there sitting on the couch writing something on a notepad. She looks up when I come in, and I hold up the bag of doughnuts.

“Ah! You’re amazing! I was just thinking of leaving to grab something!”

She jumps up, hugs me, and grabs a doughnut. 

“Those are the best in NYC, so you’re extra welcome. What are you working on?”

“Just trying to figure out some ideas and how to pitch them.”

“Want some help?”

“Sure!”

I sit down on the couch next to her, and we get to work. One of our ideas involves a visual, which she draws in her notebook. She does a very quick sketch, and I’m amazed at her talent. How is she good at everything she does? I lean closer to get a good look, putting my arm behind her on the couch. We’re sitting like this, arm behind her, face next to her boobs, staring toward her notebook in her lap, when Aidy comes in.

“Didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Kate and I laugh. I look at her, and she raises her eyebrows and winks at me. This only makes me laugh more.

We tell Aidy some of our ideas, and pretty soon it’s time for the meeting.

  
  


On the way out, I stop by Kate and Aidy’s office to say bye. They are deep in what appears to be a serious conversation, and they jump when I knock on the door frame.

“Sorry to interrupt. Just wanted to say bye! See you tomorrow!”

“Are you going home,” Kate asks me.

“That’s the plan.”

“I have to go try on outfits with my stylist for some event next week, and Aidy can’t go, and I hate fashion so much. I don’t wanna go alone. Could you come?”

“Yeah! That sounds fun!”

“It won’t be, but thanks for coming!”

  
  


An hour later, I’m sitting in a loft waiting for Kate to put on a fourth outfit. She’s looked amazing in each one, but she hasn’t liked any of them.

She pokes her head out of the changing area, “Can you zip this for me?”

I jump up and walk over to her, going behind the curtain. 

She literally takes my breath away. She’s in a green, sleeveless, low cut dress. She turns around, and I just have to stare at the beauty that is the porcelain skin of her back. 

“What’s the hold up?”

I snap out of it. “What? Yeah, sorry.” 

I zip it up, and for some reason, I rest my hands on her hips, looking at her in the mirror over her shoulder. 

“You look amazing.”

She smiles. “I like this one, too.” She cocks her head to the side, looking at me in the mirror. “Let’s see what the stylists think.”

Of course, that one is the winner. I’ve never seen something so beautiful. She changes back into her clothes, and we leave. I start to walk toward the train home, but she grabs my arm.

“I’m actually headed to my sister’s apartment.” She points the opposite direction.

“Oh, okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then.” I smile.

She looks at me for a second, takes a deep breath, and says, “Yeah. I’ll bring the doughnuts.” We hug and go our separate ways.

I swear I feel like I’m on drugs I’m so happy right now.


	8. Just another week at SNL. NBD.

I crawl over Kate, who is laying on her bed. I bend down, and I kiss her nose. She giggles. I smile and kiss her lips. She smiles. I move to kiss her neck, but I feel weight on my back.

“Nino, go away.” He doesn’t, so I roll over to move him, but instead of Nino it’s my cat in my room, and I guess I’m awake now. And aroused. Brian is asleep next to me, so I go to the bathroom to release the tension. I think of Kate the whole time, and it is quite effective. Her beautiful face, amazing curves, the scent of her hair. It makes me feel guilty, but I try to internalize Taylor’s comments on it not being a big deal.

I get ready and head to work. Kate is already there with doughnuts, as promised. 

“By the way, these are the actual best in NYC, so you’re extra welcome.” She winks at me and laughs. 

I take a bite, and say, “Hmmm. Maybe. It’s pretty close.” I sip my coffee as Kate gets up to get something from the printer. When she does, she winces in pain.

“I think I hurt myself masturbating.”

I spit my coffee out. “What?”

She laughs hysterically. “Was that TMI?” 

“No, no, I guess not. How’d you manage that?”

“I had a lot of time on my hands last night when I couldn’t sleep.. Maybe went a little too hard.” She winks.

We laugh again. “I don’t think that’s ever happened to me.”

“That’s sad for you.” She sits next to me and hugs me with mock sympathy. I lean into the hug and reach my hand up to place it on her arm. We sit like that for longer than would be considered normal, but it doesn’t feel awkward. We only separate when we hear someone approaching. Aidy and Leslie walk in. Leslie tosses a book to Kate.

“Thanks for letting me borrow this. I loved it!”

Kate has to reach up to catch it.

I announce, “Careful. You’ll aggravate her masturbation injury.”

“Shut up!” She playfully hits my shoulder.

“Do tell,” Aidy leans toward us from her chair, laughing. 

  
  


Unfortunately, I’m not working with Kate today. She has a ton of political sketches to write with Colin, and I have a couple sketches to write on my own and one with Mikey and Streeter. Several hours in, she pops into my office to check in. 

“How’s it going?”

“Fine. Just stuck on the end of this one. I can’t figure out the blackout line.” I take off my glasses and rub my eyes.

“Can I look?”

“Be my guest.”

She leans over me to look at my computer monitor. After a moment, she unexpectedly shifts to sit in my lap. 

“What are you doing,” I laugh out.

“Just getting comfortable,” she shrugs. 

“I mean, I could get up if you’d prefer.”

“No, it’s fine.”

She reads the sketch, thinks for a moment, then pitches three brilliant endings. 

“You’re amazing. I love all of those.” 

She puts my glasses on my face. “Well, then get back to work.” She hops up to leave, but she turns at the door and adds, “It’s easy to pitch an ending when someone’s already written something wonderful.”

I laugh. 

“I mean it. You’re very talented. Don’t discount yourself.” Then, she leaves. 

I do have a habit of undermining my work. I know that I’m obviously a decent writer by virtue of being here, but I frequently assume I’m the worst in the room. I love how she sees people. She observes them and understands them. It’s an underrated quality.

  
  


Several sketches and many hours later, I walk into Kate and Aidy’s office and fall onto the couch. They’re both still working and don’t really acknowledge me.

The next thing I know, I hear Leslie saying, “You guys gonna come to the read through or what?” I blink my eyes open and feel someone laying on me. I’m on my side with my legs pulled up. I look down and see Kate curled up behind my legs, laying on my hip. Aidy has her head down on her desk.

“Five more minutes,” Aidy mumbles.

I laugh and put my hand on Kate’s head, shaking gently. She opens one eye. “Wakey, wakey.” 

Aidy turns around to see the position we’re in and narrows her eyes. I remember the talk we had in the bathroom, and I can see that she’s taking this the wrong way. But I didn’t ask for it. Kate got there by herself. I guess I have been flirting with her, though. I know it might be unfair, but I can’t help it. I usually don’t even realize I’m doing it in the moment. 

  
  


The sketch Kate helped me with gets chosen after the read through, and I’m excited and terrified. 

“Congratulations!” Kate runs up and hugs me tightly.

“Thanks!” 

She leans back to look at me, hands on my shoulders. “It’s going to be fine. It’s a great sketch.” Of course she can tell I’m nervous. “The ending in particular is fabulous,” she laughs.

“I wish you were in it. It’d be easier if you were there.” I don’t know what came over me with that bout of pure honesty. 

“It’s not like I’ll be far away, my sweet, anxious little mess.” She’s laughing at me, but I know she’s serious. She pulls me in for another hug. “You don’t need me though. You got this!” She ushers me away to production to figure out what we need for the sketch to be made.

  
  


The rest of the week is a blur of rehearsals, rewrites, and basically no sleep. When my sketch is chosen after the dress rehearsal, I become convinced that I’m dreaming. Something I came up with and wrote is going to be on SNL. Wow.

Kate is in a lot of sketches tonight, so she’s working on stuff, and I don’t really see her in between shows. Brian shows up and is his usual proud self. He tries to calm my nerves. He used to be the best at this, but that title has gone to someone else recently. I show him to his seat, and I go back to the writers’ room. 

  
  


The sketch went well, and I couldn’t be happier. We go to the after party and have a great time. This time, I leave with Brian because I’m extra tired from the added pressure of my own sketch making it to air. I find my girls to say bye, hug them, and head out. We have the next week off, which is good since it’s Brian’s and my anniversary. We’re going on a vacation for a couple days. I was excited about it, but now I’m going to miss my new friends and job. It’ll be nice to relax though.

I’m almost out the door when someone grabs my arm. I turn around and see Kate. “You were great this week. I’m so proud of you.” She hugs me and kisses my cheek.

“You’re great every week, and this certainly was no exception.” I smile at her and give her a hug back. 

“I’ll see you next week. Text me!”

“Duh!” I turn and head home, already half asleep.


	9. Tension

Brian and I go to a cabin upstate. It’s great to relax and hike and be out of the city. On day two, we go fishing, and Brian grills what we catch. After dinner, we go to the hot tub. Before I know it, we’re making out, and I’m in his lap grinding against him. 

Once we’re done in the hot tub, we come in to watch a movie. About halfway through, something similar happens on the couch as did the hot tub. He goes to bed after that. I turn on the TV. My phone vibrates not long after with a text from Kate.

“How’s the trip?” 

“Good! Just watching TV right now. What are you up to?”

“TV? Aren’t there other *activities* you should be doing for your anniversary?”

I hit the haha tapback.

“I had that event tonight. At the afterparty now. Bored.”

“Only you could be bored at a Hollywood afterparty.”

“If I had friends here, it might be fun…”

“I’m sorry. I wish I was there!”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re enjoying a romantic getaway with your husband.”

She had a point, but I really would almost rather be there with her. I mean, I’m enjoying our trip, and it’s been nice to spend time with Brian, but I miss her. We keep texting until I fall asleep on the couch. When I wake up in the middle of the night to move to the bed, there are a few texts from her. The last one says, “I guess you fell asleep.. Goodnight <3”

  
  


Day four of the trip is less blissful than the previous days. Brian is on my nerves. He’s being really grumpy, and I’m over it. We’re fighting about every little thing, and I’m ready to go home where I can have some more space. 

That evening I decide to go on a walk instead of argue with him. While I’m outside, I call Kate. She answers on the second ring with a lot of enthusiasm.

“Helllllooooo!! Are you back in the city?!”

I do not meet her enthusiasm, and start crying. “No…”

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know…” I take some breaths to calm down. I really don’t know what exactly is wrong. Obviously, it’s upsetting to be fighting with Brian, but these grumpy days are pretty normal in any relationship. I just feel a little lost.

“Everything is fine. Do you want to come over? We can eat ice cream and talk about it?”

“That sounds amazing, but I’m still at the cabin.”

Now she matches my sadness. “Oh. When do you get back?”

“We’re leaving tomorrow morning.”

“Do you wanna get together tomorrow night?”

“We won’t be back until late. I’ll see you the next day for the pitch meeting though!” The thought actually does cheer me up some. In addition to seeing her, I have some good ideas to pitch this week.

“Okay. Well, if you want to talk about anything, I’m here.”

“Thanks, Kate.”

“Anytime. Now go enjoy your last night of vacation!!”

I smile, and we say our goodbyes. I go back to the cabin, and Brian apologizes for being grumpy. I apologize for arguing with him. We have make-up sex. 

  
  


Monday morning rolls around, and I get to the office even earlier than usual because I can’t wait to share one of my ideas with Kate. She’s not there yet, though, so I leave a note on her desk. “Come get me when you get here. I have an idea I think you’ll like!” 

After sitting in my office for an hour, I start to get worried that she isn’t here yet. I go to her office to check, and she’s in there. 

“Did you not see my note?”

She looks up. “Oh, yeah. Sorry, I just got busy.” She seems kind of distant.

“Oh, okay.. Wanna hear the idea?”

“Sure.” She’s not enthusiastic at all, so I feel less confident.

“Actually, maybe this isn’t the right host for it. Let’s talk about it next week.. I’m gonna get some coffee.” I feel uncomfortable, and the energy in the room is really weird. She makes no effort to stop me. What is going on?

Things are a bit more normal later in the day. Kate, Leslie, Aidy, Cecily, and I are standing around the hall chatting. Kate is still quiet and standing on the opposite side of the group from me, but she seems happier, so I’m okay with it.

“So, Emma, tell us about your vacation,” Leslie says suggestively. “I wanna hear the details,” she adds making sexual moves with her hips. The group laughs, but Kate excuses herself and heads toward the bathroom. Aidy looks at me, then follows Kate. What is going on? I haven’t done anything wrong. I feel awful, though. I’m very anxious about this tension between us, and I want it to go away.

  
  


Unfortunately, it doesn’t go away. I barely see her the rest of Monday, not at all on Tuesday, and only just before the read through on Wednesday. I’m a ball of nerves. She usually calms me down and gives me confidence, so the pressure of the job has gotten to me in addition to my anxiety about what’s going on between us. Plus, I just miss her.

Before the read through, I’m joking around with some other writers and cast members, doing my Rachel Maddow impression. Collin turns around when he hears me, and says, “Holy shit! That’s great. Will you do Rachel in the cold open?” 

“Umm.. Doesn’t Cecily usually do her?”

“Yeah, but she’s doing Melania, and we’ve been trying to figure out who could do Rachel. You’re perfect!”

“I’m not qualified for that…”

“Too bad. You’re doing it.”

I read the part at the table read, and the sketch gets greenlit. What the fuck? I’m going to be on SNL. I’m going to get to say, “Live from New York.” I’m going to throw up. No, I’m going to faint. No, I’m going to have a panic attack. I half-jog out of the room towards the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. I almost run into Kate in the hallway, but I don’t stop. 

I barely have the water on before she’s standing next me. “What’s wrong? Emma, you’re super pale.” She gets a paper towel, wets it, and rubs it across my face. “Breathe. You’re fine.” She rubs my back, and I start to feel calmer, but then a million emotions come up at once.

“I’m not fine. They want me to be on the show. I’m not an actor. I can’t do that. It’s too much, but I don’t actually have a choice. No one wants to see me on their TV, and what if I mess up all the lines.” 

She cups my face in her hands, still trying to calm me. “Shhh. Breathe.”

It’s too late for that. I continue my rant, “And you. You’re mad at me or something, and I don’t know what to do about it or what I really did to start with. I just want everything to be okay, but…”

She cuts me off with a kiss on my lips. A real one. My whole body relaxes immediately. She leans back and looks me in the eye. Now she looks anxious. I smile, breathe, shut down every thought in my head telling me not to, and lean down to kiss her back. I wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her with more pent up passion than I realized I had. She kisses me back with her arms around my neck. It feels like we’re there for hours, but I’m pretty sure it was less than a minute. 

She leans back, licks her lips, and takes a breath. “Want to get dinner with me?”

“More than anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Let me know your thoughts, please!!


	10. I Want You

We check in with everyone to confirm that we’re free to go for the evening. We try to play it cool so no one knows we’re leaving together, and I meet her outside of 30 Rock on the plaza. 

“Where are you taking me?”

“Well.. I thought about a few restaurants, but I’d rather be alone with you.”

“...Okay?”

“Would you like to come to my place, and I’ll cook you dinner?”

I smile. “That sounds amazing.” I want to kiss her again right here. I want to grab her hand and hold it on the way home. I want to have my arms around her, but I know we can’t do any of those things in public. 

We manage to keep our hands to ourselves the whole way home, but all bets are off once we’re through her apartment door. I grab her hips and kiss her deeply. Her hands get tangled in my hair, and she pushes me against the wall with her body. I run my hands over the beautiful curves of her body, and I reach down and squeeze her ass. This causes a giggle, which slows us down. Breathing heavily, she leans back and looks at me with the biggest smile I’ve seen on her face. I return the smile, and I wrap my arms around her shoulders and pull her in, kissing her forehead. She relaxes her face into my neck, and wraps her arms around my waist. I hold her tight, breathing in her scent. We stand like this for a while, catching our breath. I know there’s a lot to discuss, but I’m not ready for this bliss to end. I kiss her forehead again and pull away, shifting to hold her hand.

“I actually am hungry.”

She smiles. “How does spaghetti sound?”

“Fabulous.” 

She gives me quick peck on my lips and hurries off to the kitchen, only letting go of my hand once both of our arms are completely outstretched. This already feels so natural and amazing. I don’t want to think about what it all means; I just want to enjoy it and hold her and kiss her and have fun.

  
  


After a very playful and flirty dinner, we end up on her couch. I’m laying on my back, and Kate is on her side next to me. Her head is on my shoulder, arm around my waist, and legs entangled in mine. I’m rubbing her back with one hand and resting the other one on her arm that’s wrapped around me. Nino is on the coffee table licking his paws. I want to stay right here forever, but she shifts to sit up. I follow suit, sneaking a kiss in the process. She smiles that big, dimpled smile again. I’m in heaven.

“I know we don’t want to, but we do have to talk.”

I sigh. “I know.”

“First, I want to apologize.”

I’m confused. What does she have to apologize for?

“I know I’ve been weird this week, but I was trying to stop this from happening. I called Aidy after I talked to you the other night when you were upset.”

“Okay…” She’s nervously playing with her fingers. I reach out and grab her hand, rubbing it gently.

“It tore me up for you to be upset. I wanted to fix it for you, but I didn’t even know what you were upset about. All in the world I wanted was to see you smile, and I knew that was more than a friendly inclination. Plus, I was so fucking jealous of Brian being alone in a romantic cabin in the woods with you.”

His name makes me wince slightly with a pang of guilt.

“So I told Aidy about it, and she suggested that I try to distance myself from you for a few days. I hated every second of it.”

“Same.” I grab her face and kiss her gently.

“Then you were freaking out in the bathroom, and I was hit with that feeling again of just wanting to make it better and wanting to hold you and have you and spend time with you. And I decided in that moment that I didn’t care what way that was in or what the details of the relationship would be. I just needed you. And it might not be healthy, and I might regret it, but I’m standing by that choice.” There are tears in her eyes by the end of her little speech, and there are some running down my face. She reaches up and wipes them away. I grab her hand and kiss it.

“I don’t know what to make of any of this. But I do know that I want you. I want to spend time with you and kiss you and cuddle you and laugh with you. Can that be enough for right now?”

She smiles through a few tears and nods her head. I kiss her gently, stroking her cheek. She rests her hand on mine and we look into each other’s eyes for a moment.

There’s one thing weighing on my chest, though. “This may be a weird moment to mention it, but I’ve never been with another woman before.”

Her eyes get wide and she smiles an almost evil grin. “Well, you’re in for a treat, my dear.” With that, she grabs my hand and leads me to her bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chance to let me know if you don't want a little smut. ;)


	11. Now I Have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING THAT THIS ONE IS SMUTTY

She throws me across her bed and crawls over me. She dips down and kisses me roughly. She trails down to my neck, biting and sucking it as my breath speeds up. She licks up to my ear and sucks my earlobe gently. I let out a quiet moan, reaching up to feel her body. Her curves, her ass, her strong but tiny thighs. I make my way back up and flip her over. I pull her shirt off and take in the sight of her torso. I kiss her collar bones delicately, trailing down through her cleavage to her her belly button. Then, I lick back up the same path I just made. She moans, and it’s the sexiest sound I’ve ever heard. She puts her hands on my face and kisses me with an intense amount of passion. Our tongues are exploring, and she flips us back over. She’s straddling one of my legs, and she slides a knee up to rub me right where I need it. I gasp with pleasure, and she pulls back smiling that evil grin again.

She makes her way down and unbuttons my jeans. I start to tremble. I’m suddenly very nervous about not knowing what I’m doing. And I’m self-conscious about my privates. Brian has seen them for years and didn’t have a ton of prior experience. What if there’s something weird about me? What if she doesn’t like me? 

She senses my hesitation, and looks me in the eye. “We don’t have to…”

I take a deep breath. “I want to. I’m just scared.”

“You can trust me.” She kisses me softly and looks in my eyes. I nod at her to continue.

She makes her way back down to unzipping my jeans. I lift my hips so she can pull them and my underwear off. She comes back up and straddles my hips. I reach up and take off her bra, exposing her perfect breasts. I rub my hands from her hips up to them and give them a squeeze. 

She closes her eyes. “Mmmmm.”

I lean up and pull one of her nipples into my mouth. I suck it a little bit then bite down gently. She moans, and I am so turned on. I unbutton her pants and remove them, also taking off my shirt and bra. 

I’m not really sure how to proceed, so I let her take control. As always, she senses my unease. “It’s okay. I’ll teach you.” She lays me on my back, kissing me tenderly. She reaches down and slides one finger inside me. I release a moan. She adds a second finger and uses the heel of her hand to rub my clit. I grind against her and lean my head back with pleasure. She takes the opportunity to suck on my neck. She makes her way down to my boobs, licking and sucking my nipples. When she removes her fingers, I look down at her. She holds eye contact and puts them in her mouth, taking in my flavor for the first time. I feel a brief flash of being self-conscious, but it’s overwhelmed with my need for her.

I push her over so that I’m on top. I kiss her deeply, tasting myself on her. I push my knee into her center, feeling her wetness on me. She arches her back and grinds against me. I massage and suck on her breasts, then make my way down to her pussy. I lick right up the middle, and feel myself get wetter as she moans loudly. I flick my tongue against her clit and slide two fingers inside of her. She grinds against them as I suck on her. She picks up the pace and pushes my head into her harder. I hear her breathing getting faster and faster.

“Oh, Emma. Oh, god. I’m gonna cum.” And she does. She arches her back and grabs the sheets. Her toes curl, and she moans loud enough for the neighbors to hear. Knowing that is a reaction to me is the most incredible feeling I’ve ever felt.

I lay next to her as she catches her breath for a minute. Then, she reaches over and gets back to work on me. She’s rubbing my clit and sucking my nipple, pulsing her fingers in and out of me. She makes her way down and licks my juices off of my folds. I’m already on the verge of an orgasm. She swirls her tongue inside me and rubs my clit with her thumb. I push her head deeper and grind my hips against her. I scream her name as my orgasm shakes my whole body. It’s powerful and long, and she lets me ride it out on her fingers. 

She moves up to lay on my chest, and I wrap my arms around her. “That was amazing.”

She looks up at me. “You’re sure you’ve never done that before?”

“Positive.”

“Well, now you have.” We both laugh and hold each other tighter. 


	12. The Morning After

I wake up to the sound of a cat meowing close to my ear. I don’t open my eyes for fear it was all a dream, and I’ll be in my apartment with my cat. I smell eggs cooking. The cat gets louder. I hear someone come in the room, then I hear Kate’s voice whisper, “Be quiet, Nino. We don’t want to bother our new friend. Mom likes her a lot.” He meows. “No, I don’t like her more than you… Yet.” The door closes, and I hear her in the kitchen again.

I really slept with Kate Mckinnon last night. I’m in her apartment. And she likes me. A lot, apparently. And thinks she could like me more. I can’t believe this is happening. There’s been so many pent up feelings and waiting and wanting between us. And now, here we are: the morning after. What happens now?

On the other hand, I cheated on my husband last night, and I have no idea how to cope with that. What happens now?

Before I can think about it too long, Kate and Nino return with breakfast in bed. 

“Wake up, sleeping beauty.”

I finally open my eyes, and I see the gorgeous woman I’ve somehow lucked into being with. She’s wearing a t-shirt and shorts with her hair up in a bun. She sits on the edge of the bed and presents me with an omelette. I take the plate from her hands and kiss her quickly.

“Thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

“What time is it?”

“8:30. We need to be in 8H at 10:00 for rehearsals of the cold open.”

“Okay.” I’m too tired to process this information as far as how fast I need to consume breakfast.

“I’ve been thinking…” She trails off, looking at her hands. My heart sinks. It was good while it lasted.

“What?”

“Well, I had a great time, and I’m fine with things how they are for now, but most people won’t be. So, I don’t think we should tell anyone about us.” My heart lifts, relieved that she’s not ending this.

“Honestly, I hadn’t planned on it.. I’m kind of the bad guy here.”

She puts her hand on my cheek and looks at me seriously. “You’re not a bad person. We’re going to figure this all out.”

I smile and kiss her forehead. “So, since we don’t anyone to know, I think I’m going to need to borrow some clothes.”

“Take your pick. I’m going to take a shower.” She motions toward her closet and leaves the room.

Borrowing an outfit proves to be harder than anticipated. I don’t want to wear anything that is obviously hers, but she doesn’t own a wide variety of clothes. I avoid her staples and eventually find a plain t-shirt. I wear my jeans from yesterday, and I think we’ll be okay. I’m still in her closet when she comes in from the shower wrapped in a towel. I’m looking at a specific section of the closet that contains jackets.

“How many ‘Broadway Video’ hoodies do you own?” I smile at her.

She laughs. “I always forget to take one with me, then I get cold in the studio, so I get another one..”

“Kate. There’s five of them in here. I know there’s one more in your office, and I’m pretty sure there’s one in your backpack right now, too.”

“Guilty.” 

We laugh, and I hug her.

“You smell good.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you for an amazing night and for being so understanding and patient.”

She looks up and kisses me. 

“You’re welcome. I’m just happy to have you. Now, I do have to get dressed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is so short. I have some good stuff coming up soon!


	13. Stealing Glances

Rehearsals go slowly. Thankfully, it’s not my fault; it turns out I’m a little better at this than I expected. Kate and I steal glances at each other all morning. On one break, we both go to the bathroom. After making sure the coast is clear, we’re all over each other. 

“I missed you,” she breathes.

“I’ve been in the same room as you all day,” I smile, knowing what she meant. She gives me a look and kisses me again. “I missed you, too,” I add.

We hear someone approaching and quickly shift to look like we’re washing our hands. Aidy comes in and gives us a sideways glance. I guess we look a little guilty. I excuse myself back to rehearsals and leave Kate to talk to her. I’m a terrible liar, remember? But Kate will be able to throw her off.

Once rehearsals for the cold open are over, I head back to my office. I don’t have any sketches airing this week, so I don’t have much to do. I start brainstorming and work on some ideas. Eventually, Ian, the other new writer, comes in and sits at his desk, which is next to mine.

“Hey, Emma! I feel like you’ve been MIA.”

“Hahaha, just busy. Sorry I’ve left you in the office alone so much.”

“I’m not complaining!” We both laugh. “I’m jealous though! I’ve been able to work with a few people, but you managed to get in with Kate on day one, and I feel like you’re rocketing past me.” He laughs, but I can tell he’s not totally kidding.

I shrug. “I wish I could tell you the secret, but I have no clue how I got so lucky. I guess I just dove in,” I say, thinking about more than just work.

“Well, try not to forget about me if you ever need another set of eyes on something.”

“Of course! Want to help me with an idea I have for next week?

“Sure!”

 

 

A few hours later, we’re taking a break, and I’m wandering around looking for Kate when my phone vibrates with a text from Brian.

“Hey baby. I missed you last night. They want me to go to Washington for work Friday-Tuesday. I’m trying to get them to delay it so I don’t miss your debut!”

“Don’t worry about it! It’s not like you can’t watch it live anyway, lol.”

“I want to be there for you, though!”

“I want you here, too, but I understand if you have to go.”

“Ok. Keep you posted.” He includes a kissing emoji, and I send one back.

Part of me is sad he won’t be here, but part of me is just thinking, “Four days with Kate!”

I find her in hair and makeup trying on some prosthetics for a sketch. I make small talk with people, waiting to be alone with her again. Eventually, it happens, and I tell her about Brian going away.

“Ooooh lala! We could have the whole weekend together!”

“Exactly! I’ll let you know if he ends up going or not.”

“Will you be okay being in the open without him here?”

She’s thought of something that I haven’t yet. It is comforting to have him in the audience, and she knows I’ll be nervous. I smile thoughtfully and rub her hand.

“I honestly haven’t worried about it. I don’t feel nervous. I think something’s distracting me..” I look around to make sure no one is there and give her a kiss. She blesses me with a big, dimpled smile. 

Louie, the make-up supervisor, comes back shortly after, and I go get back to work with Ian.


	14. Friday Night In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At little more smut for you. I plan for the next chapter to be longer and a bit more serious.

Friday morning, I say goodbye to Brian, who feels awful about having to go out of town. In turn, I feel awful about being excited that he’ll be gone. 

I go to work. There’s rehearsals, I help with a few re-writes, and then I go home with Kate. Again, as soon as we’re in her apartment, we let loose the energy that’s built up over the past couple days. We’ve had a few more bathroom make-outs and whatnot, but we can finally really be together now. 

I’m kissing her neck, and my hands are all over her. Her hands are in my hair. She jumps up and wraps her legs around my hips, and I send us crashing into the wall. I pull her shirt off. I kiss, lick, and bite all over her chest. She pulls my face up and kisses me deeply. I let her slide off of my hips and kiss her back. She grabs my hand and takes me to her bedroom. She lays down on her back on the bed, and I crawl on top of her. I kiss my way up her torso, finally making it to her jaw, then her ear. I pull her hair a little bit, and she gasps. I smile like an idiot, really enjoying the effect I can have on her. She takes the opportunity to roll us over and take my shirt off. She quickly makes it down to my pants and removes them. She’s wasting no time. She dives right in to me, making me moan. She’s licking my folds, sucking my clit, and pulsing her fingers inside me. When my breathing picks up, she relents. She slides up, licking my chest and kissing me deeply. I get even wetter tasting myself on her. I reach down and remove her pants, then I bend my leg so she can grind against me. Feeling her wetness on me gives me a jolt of pleasure, I put a hand on the back of her neck to pull her in for an even harder kiss. She reaches down and puts three fingers inside me and rubs my clit with her thumb. I grind against her, and my breathing starts to pick up. 

“Let go for me, Emma,” she whispers against my neck before sucking it. A few more pumps of her fingers, and I explode. I moan and writhe with a powerful orgasm. She pulls her fingers out and sucks my juices off of them. I roll her over, and move down to pleasure her. I use my thumb on her clit, and thrust my tongue inside of her. She arches her back and moans. I could almost cum again just from that noise. She grinds against me, picking up the pace until she lets go, and I feel her cum against me. It’s incredible. I move up to lay next to her and give her a kiss. I lay my head on her chest as she wraps her arms around me. 

She kisses the top of my head. “So, what do you want for dinner?”

I laugh and hold her tight. I’m on top of the world.


	15. Tell Me About Your Whole Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it didn't end up being long, but it is more serious.

Dinner arrives, and we enjoy a nice meal in while watching Netflix. After we eat, Kate shifts on the couch to face me.I mirror her pose.

“So, tell me about your whole life.”

I just laugh, but, when I look up at her, she’s serious. She has a look of genuine interest on her face.

“You’re serious?”

She nods intently.

“Okay.” I launch into my life story: growing up in South Carolina, what my parents were like, college. Her interest is piqued when I mention that I met Brian at Clemson. I feel uncomfortable, so I try to skirt the topic and move on to when I moved to the city.

“Hold on. Go back. I want to know about him.”

“It feels weird to talk about.”

“You love him. He’s part of your life, and I want to understand that.”

I take a deep breath and tell her about how we met. 

“I fell in love with him pretty easily. He’s really thoughtful and kind. He’d do anything for me.”

“He sounds great.”

Tears well in my eyes. “He is.”

She grabs my hand. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I made promises to him, but I’m here breaking them. I keep trying to convince myself that it’s not my fault that I feel this way, but it is.”

She’s holding me and trying to wipe away my tears, but they’re coming too fast.

“I just met you, and it’s like a whole new world opened up to me. I was suddenly thinking about you all the time and noticing other girls, too. It felt unfair to hold back that part of myself just because I discovered it after I got married. But I know it’s not fair to him to do this.” I go into a full anxiety spiral. Kate patiently holds me and calms me down slowly.

“Emma. Baby. it’s all going to be okay. You’re right; it’s not fair to either of you. But you’re doing your best, and everything will work itself out. I just want you to be happy.”

“You and Brian both make me happy.”

“Then we’ll both be here.” She’s holding my face and giving me a very serious look. She kisses me. We sit for a moment, looking into each other’s eyes, until Kate breaks the silence. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah.”

“You were never attracted to women until a few weeks ago?”

“Well, not consciously. Now that I know what it is, there were other crushes through the years.”

“So, you’re bi?”

I nod.

“I’ve never been with a bi girl.”

“We literally had sex like two hours ago.” We laugh, and I give her kiss.

“We should get to bed.”

“Again?”

She blushes and laughs. “No, for sleeping, ya freak. We have kind of a big day tomorrow.”

“Oh, fuck. I’m going to be on SNL.”

“And the world will love you, my dear.”


	16. Cue Cards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted from mobile, so let me know if there’s weird formatting

I wake up to blonde hair in my face. I smile and wonder how I’m so lucky as I wrap my arm around her waist. I hold her for a bit, then get up to make coffee. Nino greets me in the kitchen and even lets me pet him. 

I take Kate’s coffee to the bedroom and gently wake her up. She looks at me groggily and smiles, dimples and all. My heart flutters. 

“How are you?”

“Well, I’ve had coffee already, and Nino let me touch him. It’s a good day so far.”

“No nerves?” How does she already have the energy to be worried about me?

“No, surprisingly. Though now that you’ve mentioned it, I’m sure they’ll make an appearance soon.” I laugh.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be; I’m kidding,” I smile and lean in to kiss her. I take her coffee from her and put it on the nightstand as I roll her into the middle of the bed for more of the fun we had last night.

  
  


A few hours later, we head to 30 Rock, where I manage to keep it together until about 20 minutes before the dress rehearsal. I’m freaking out about the pressure and the lines and the acting. Kate is busy. I call Brian. He answers on the second ring.

“Hey, love.”

“I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can. You’re going to be great!”

“I’m not.”

“Honey, stop. You’re amazing at everything you do. This will be no exception, I promise.”

He talks me down some more, and then it’s time for places. He wishes me luck, and I go on my way.

  
  


Holy shit! What a rush! Millions of people just watched me say, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” I run off the stage and into the quick change room. I want nothing more than to give Kate the biggest hug and kiss. I’m on cloud nine. 

I get a text from Brian, “You were incredible!!! Love you and so so so so so proud,” with a kissing emoji.

I get changed and go out to watch the rest of the show. During the first musical performance, I finally see Kate. She walks up to me with a sly smile and her hands behind her back. 

“You were incredible.” She pulls out the “Live from New York” cue card that has been signed by everyone and gives it to me. I immediately start crying. A few other people have gathered around and are congratulating me. I want to kiss her so badly, but I settle for a hug and thanks. 

The rest of the show goes smoothly. Everyone gets changed, and I walk out to the cars with Kate, Aidy, and Leslie. The crowd goes crazy for them, and a few people recognize me from the intro, but only one girl knows my name. I walk over to her.

“Hi! How are you?”

“Great! I can’t believe you were on the show!”

“Me either! I can’t believe you know who I am!” We both laugh. “I usually walk out here to dead silence and hop in a car.”

“I saw a couple of your shows at UCB. I’m a big fan!”

“Oh my god! Really? I love you!”

We chat for another minute and take a selfie, then I get in the car to head to the afterparty. I truly can’t believe my life right now.


	17. Weekend

At the afterparty, we sit at a table with Leslie, Aidy, and a couple other writers. Kate and I are next to each other. Above the table, we’re pretending everything is normal, but I’m having some fun underneath. My hand is on her thigh, sliding further and further up. She puts her hand on mine and pushes it back toward her knee. She’s smiling, so I’m pretty sure she’s playing along. I rub her knee and begin sliding back up her thigh. She lets me this time. I stop short of truly feeling her up and lightly tickle her inner thigh. She’s biting her lip trying to hold back either a giggle or a moan. I continue toying with her for a bit until she finally leans over and whispers in my ear, “Bathroom?” We excuse ourselves and head to the restroom. This is one pro of dating women that I didn’t think of before: no one questions you sneaking off to the bathroom together.

Once we’re in, we make sure the coast is clear, go in the largest stall, and go to town. We make out and feel each other up. I’m about to take her dress off when we hear someone come in. 

“Kate? Emma,” Aidy calls out. 

Kate looks at me. “Shit,” she mouths. 

I motion for her to be quiet, and respond to Aidy, “I’m in here. I think Kate went out already.”

“I don’t think she did.” 

Kate and I look at each other in a mild panic.

“You must have just missed her,” I reply nonchalantly. So much for being a bad liar.

Aidy hesitates. “Okay.” 

We both let out a huge sigh of relief once she’s left the bathroom.

“She is on to us.” I’m terrified. She told me not to do this, and here I am.

“I don’t think she is.”

“Kate. She clearly knows that something is up.”

“It’s fine. She doesn’t know.”

  
  


A couple of hours later, we head home. We share a car under the guise of living in the same neighborhood. Thankfully, Aidy left before us so she couldn’t see through that lie. We have a very fun night in bed and sleep well into the next day.

  
  


I wake up before her. She’s naked in bed next to me with her arm around my waist. I spend some time just looking at her and admiring how perfect she is. Then, I get up and cook some pancakes. It takes me a bit to find my way around her kitchen, but I manage to get started on my own without making too much noise. Nino is watching me to make sure I don’t mess anything up. Kate appears while I’m cooking, and she is stunning. I’m amazed at how gorgeous she can look fresh out of bed. She wraps her arms around me from behind as I flip the last few pancakes, and she kisses my back.

“Good Morning.”

“Good Morning, dear. I made coffee.” I nod my head toward the coffee pot. She prepares her cup and feeds Nino. I meet her at the dining table with my breakfast spread.

“I’m not as good of a cook as you, but pancakes are my specialty.”

“I’m sure they’re amazing, like everything else you do.”

“Stop it.” I give her a kiss before sitting down.

We eat and joke and have a lazy Sunday. 

  
  


We’re laying on the couch that evening when she gets serious.

“I’m sad you have to go back to your place tomorrow.”

“Me too. I’ve had an amazing weekend with you.”

“Same. I know Brian will be happy to see you, though.”

I tense up at his name.

“It’s okay to talk about him. I want to know about him and why you’re with him, why I can only have part of you.”

I look at her with sadness in my eyes. I’m slowly breaking both of their hearts; he just doesn’t know it yet. Neither of them deserve this. I don’t deserve either of them. 

She looks up at me as a few tears fall out of my eyes. I shake my head and say, “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I knew what I signed up for.”

“He didn’t sign up for this.”

We look at each other for a long time. She finally breaks the silence. “Maybe we should stop.”

“Probably.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Me either.”

My heart feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. Kate is holding me tight, and I’m playing with her hair. I don’t want this to end, but I don’t want my marriage to, either. Brian is wonderful, and I love him.

“He’s a web designer.”

“What?”

“Brian. You wanted to know about him.”

“Okay.”

“He works for Amazon. He’s brilliant. He loves to be outside. He’s kind. He loves me more than anything in the world. He’s the type of guy that, if I told him about this, he would probably tell me to do whatever made me happy, and he would actually mean it.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to tell him?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry that’s the best I can do. You deserve so much more.”

“I just want you to be happy.” 

I can tell she actually means it.


	18. I Wanted to Try It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning - the last of it for a few chapters probably.

We get ready for bed a few hours later. I hop in the shower, and I’m greeted with a lingerie-clad Kate when I get out.

“Well, hello, gorgeous.” I smile as I put my hand on the small of her back and pull her toward me. She grins, and I’m lost in blue eyes and dimples.

“I wanted to do something special on our last night of stay-cation.”

“Is that what we’re calling this?”

“Yes. I’m not sure how you’ll feel about this, but I think you’ll like it.”

“If it involves you, then you’re correct.”

She laughs and kisses me. I kiss her back, running my hands along her torso. She takes my hand and leads me to her bedroom where several toys are laid across the bed. I blink a few times.

“Oh.”

She’s looking at me to gauge my reaction. “We don’t have to…”

“No, no. I’m excited. Just inexperienced.” I want to use these really badly, and I’d actually thought about asking her before, but I was scared. 

“Well, practice makes perfect, darling.” She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me. I pull her in closer and kiss her back. Feeling her body against mine already has me going. I remove her bra and lean down to suck her nipples. I massage her breasts and lick her as she moans. I move down further and slide her panties off. I grab her ass and give her center a quick lick. I stand back up and kiss her lips, taking in the feeling of her body against mine. 

She turns to the bed and grabs her harness. She moves to put it on, but I grab her hand. “Actually, I kind of wanted to try it.”

She raises her eyebrows at me and smiles. “Okay.”

She helps me put it on and attaches a dildo. I feel a little awkward, but very turned on. She kisses me, and I can feel myself poking between her legs. She gets down on her knees and licks my shaft. I feel my pussy throb. She takes me in her mouth, and I feel myself get wetter with every bob of her head. I pull her up and push her onto the bed. After applying some lube, I climb on top of her. It takes a second, but I get lined up and slide into her. Holy shit, I’ve never felt anything like this before. I feel powerful and sexy. She moans and pushes her head back. I thrust into her again as the harness pushes against my clit. We find a rhythm. She leans forward and sucks on one of my nipples while massaging my other boob. I’ve never been this aroused. I take in the sight of her body as I thrust in and out of her. It’s too much. She can see it on my face.

“Hold on; I’m close, too.” She wraps her legs behind me and speeds up her grinding. I kiss her neck until it’s too much. She digs her fingers into my back as I cum harder than I ever have. We’re both moaning loudly as she clenches her legs and cums with me. 

I can’t even put into words the pure exhilaration and joy I’m feeling. I take the harness off and move to hold her. 

“That was amazing,” I whisper, still panting. 

“Yes, it was. Thank you.”

“Thank you,” I smile and kiss her nose. 

I’m not ready to go home tomorrow.


	19. The Bachelor

We’re laying in bed Monday morning. Kate’s head is on my chest; her arm is around my waist. I’m rubbing her back with one hand and holding her arm with the other. I can smell her hair. I’m going to miss this so much when I wake up in my own bed tomorrow. Brian gets home tomorrow at 10 AM. 

We’re discussing social media: her abstinence from it and my addiction to it.

“Instagram is amazing.”

“I feel like it’s just fake artsy pictures of sunsets and cats.”

“You love cats!”

“But I don’t need to look at other people’s all the time. And who would look at mine?”

“Kate… Your fans are fucking obsessed with Nino.”

“I doubt that.”

“If I posted a picture of him right now, it would be my most liked photo and be re-posted by at least four fan accounts within the hour.”

“Do people do that?”

“Which part?”

“All of it. What is a fan account?”

“There are literally entire instagram accounts devoted to posting any content related to you.”

“That’s insane.”

“You want to look at one, don’t you?”

“No!”

“You’re not curious at all?”

“That just sounds embarrassing.”

“You’re so weird.”

“I’m well aware.”

“I like you anyway.”

She looks up at me. “I like you, too.” She leans to give me a kiss, but then sits up abruptly. “I need to ask you something very important.” 

My eyes widen. “What?” I’m nervous.

“Do you watch The Bachelor?”

I crack up. She’s so serious right now, so that was the last thing I expected her to ask. “Yes, I do.”

“Oh, thank God. Some of the girls are coming over to watch the premiere tonight. You should come, too.”

“I’d love to!” 

“You’ll have to meet my sister.”

I shrug. “Okay.”

“Yay!” She kisses me now. 

  
  


We spend some time lounging around the house, talking, and watching TV. I run my overnight bag home before the pitch meeting so no one at the party will know I was there before.

I’m sitting in Kate and Aidy’s office chatting before the meeting when my eyes start to get sore. I rub them, then realize I haven’t been wearing my glasses. Luckily, I can see without them; my eyes just get fatigued. I go to my office to get them, but they aren’t there. I go back to Kate and Aidy and ask if they’ve seen them. They both look around, but they’re not anywhere. “I guess I left them at home.”

We go to the meeting, and the sketch Ian and I worked on last week gets picked along with a pitch from Kate and me. I’m talking to Ian about it when Kate comes to tell me they’re leaving to go to her place for the Bachelor. 

“Okay. I’ll meet you there.” I chat with Ian a bit longer, then head uptown. 

When I get there, everyone is already munching on finger foods. I go to the kitchen to grab some and see my glasses on the counter. My instant relief makes me not think with reason, so I put them on and yell, “I found my glasses,” excitedly. Aidy and Leslie are standing just outside of the kitchen and turn to me. After a moment, Aidy puts the pieces together, and I see her angry for the first time. Kate walks up at that moment.

“What’s going on?”

Aidy looks Kate up and down and puts on a smile. “Emma found her glasses!”

“Great! Where were they?”

“In your kitchen, which is super weird since she just got here and her glasses were missing all day,” Aidy replies sarcastically.

Kate looks at me wide-eyed. Fuuuuuuuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you have a second, I'd really appreciate a comment with your feedback!


	20. WHAT'S GOING ON?

Kate grabs Aidy’s arm and drags her to the bedroom. She motions for Leslie and I to follow, and we close the door behind us. 

Leslie hasn’t caught up to us yet. “What the hell is going on?”

“That’s exactly what I’d like to know! You,” Aidy points at me.

“Hold on, let’s,” Kate tries to slow Aidy down, but Aidy moves towards me, ignoring Kate.

“I told you that she would trust you. I told you not to hurt her. AND I KNEW SOMETHING WAS GOING ON!” She turns to Kate. “And you know better than this! She is married! How do you think this will end?”

Leslie throws her hands up. “Okay, I’m sorry, what the fuck? Are y’all fucking?”

I look at Kate, and she’s looking back at me with tears in her eyes. I walk over to her. I kiss her forehead and put my arm around her shoulders. “Yes, we’re together. It’s complicated, and we’d prefer as few people to know as possible.”

“Damn!” Leslie is always supportive of an adventure.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Aidy is shaking her head. “I love you, Kate, but I don’t know if I can support this. I don’t want to see you heartbroken.” Kate leans away from me. It never helps us when we think about this too much. It’s probably not healthy that we just avoid talking about it. I let her go, and she sits down her bed fully crying now. I’m not sure what to do.

“I know it’s not smart, but I just can’t help it.”

I move toward her, but I’m blocked by Aidy. “I don’t want to hurt you.” I move around her, kneel down, and put my hand on her knee. “Look at me. I know I’m confused, but I care about you. We’re going to figure it out.” She nods at me, and I wrap her up in a hug.

Aidy is shaking her head again. “I promise this won’t end well for you, Kate. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She leaves.

Leslie waits a minute, then adds, “I was wondering why you’ve been so damn cheery the past couple weeks. I’m happy for you if it’s what you want. Just let me talk to Aidy, get her past being mad.” Leslie leaves behind Aidy. 

I’m trying to calm Kate down enough to go back out to her party when her sister comes in. When she sees Kate, she rushes over to her. “What’s going on? What happened?”

Kate looks at me, “Can I talk to Emily for a bit?” I nod and leave the room.

I watch the show with the other girls, but Kate never resurfaces. Emily comes out to dismiss everyone and tell them Kate’s not feeling well. She tells me that she’s going to spend the night and that I should go home and talk to Kate tomorrow. 

I decide to walk home, and I cry the whole way there. What am I doing? I can’t promise her that I won’t hurt her because I really don’t know. I don’t want to, but I don’t want to hurt Brian either. She knows that, but it just isn’t fair. Aidy is right; it’s unlikely to end well for Kate. How can I do that to her? This has to end, and I think we both realized that tonight. I open my phone to text her a thousand times, but I don’t know what to say. Maybe we both just need to think on our own until tomorrow.


	21. We Need to Talk

I barely sleep. I’m heartbroken about ending things with Kate, but I can’t face leaving Brian. I’m emotionally exhausted, which means I’m in for a long night of writing. That won’t be helped by the fact I’m working with Kate on a sketch, and Ian and I plan on writing a part specifically for her.

I get a text from Kate in the morning. “Can you come over and talk for a bit before work?”

“Of course. When?”

“As soon as you can.”

I get dressed and head over there immediately. I think we’re on the same page, and we’re both anxious to get it over with.

When she opens the door, my heart drops. It’s obvious that she didn’t sleep much either and her eyes are swollen from crying. My chest is aching. I never wanted to be the reason she looked like this. I never wanted her to look like this at all. I hug her tightly and take in her scent for what could be the last time. Tears are already running down my face.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Come sit down.” She guides me to the couch, and we sit looking at each other for a bit. “I need to tell you something.”

“I know. We need to talk.”

“I’d like to go first before I change my mind.”

“I think we’re going to say the same thing.” My heart is shattered. I can feel myself sinking into a dark place.

“I’ve really enjoyed our time together.”

“Me too.”

“But I know that you’re committed to someone. I’m incredibly likely to get hurt.”

“I’m sorry.” I brace myself for the impact of her breaking up with me.

“But it’s too late to get out without getting hurt because I’m falling in love with you.”

I take a deep breath, barely having heard her. “Wait, what?”

“I’m falling in love with you. I’m already going to get hurt, so I may as well enjoy it while it lasts and worry about the heartbreak when I have to.”

I lean forward and give her a slow, passionate kiss. I lean back, holding her face as tears stream down mine. “Thank you. I’m not ready for anything to end.”

“Emily and I talked for hours, and I just couldn’t bring myself to let you go. Aidy even texted and told me she’d support anything that made me happy.” 

I smile at her and kiss her again.

“What did you want to say?”

I shake my head and smile. “Nevermind.”


	22. Using the Internet

I know I’m being selfish. I shouldn’t let her do this, but it hurt even more than I thought it would when I was looking at her thinking it was about to end. I don’t know what will happen. There’s no ending it without hurting someone, including myself. 

We lounge around her apartment and take a nap before we have to report to 30 Rock for writing night. I’m nervous to see Aidy again, but Kate reassured me that she was being supportive now. I’m also excited there’s a few people we can be ourselves around and not hide our relationship from anymore.

I’m set to work with Ian first, so I go to our office and find him already hard at work. We get a solid draft done in a couple hours, then take it up to Kate to see what she thinks of the character since we want her to do it. She loves it. She directs a lot of her remarks to me, which I can see bothering Ian, so I try to make sure he’s included more in the conversation. She’s very shy, so I know it’s just because she’s more comfortable with me, but he doesn’t know that. We do a rewrite with Kate, then it’s time for her and I to work on our sketch.

We’re both still exhausted from the rollercoaster of the night before, and I accidentally doze off while she’s reading a draft. I wake up 45 minutes later with a blanket over me and my phone buzzing every few seconds. I sit up and blink a few times. “Sorry I fell asleep.”

She turns from her computer and hops over to sit next to me. She wraps her arms around me and kisses my cheek, then lays her head on my shoulder. “Don’t apologize. You were very cute.” I laugh. “You were! I might have broken my no social media rule to document the moment.”

“What?”

“I also made another draft.” She hands me some papers. I’m still looking at her inquisitively. “Look at your phone.”

I check it, and I’m greeted with a screen full of Instagram notifications. I open it to see a photo of myself asleep on Kate’s office couch with the caption, “Some people just can’t hang. -KM.” There are a couple hundred likes and tons of comments. The first one I notice says, “KM? Is that..? Could it be…?” Someone responded, “It has to be! Kate used Instagram!” There are more echoing the same thoughts. I see that it’s been reposted by a fan account. The comments there are all some variation of, “Who is she,” or “Is this her new gf?” I check tumblr and there’s link there to an anonymous forum where someone has apparently already done some background research on me: “This is the girl from the subway pic last week, but I don’t think they are together. They are co-workers. Emma is a new writer this year who has also made an appearance on the show (Rachel Maddow). She’s married to man named Brian (just look at the rest of her insta, people!).” I go back to see what they mean about the subway, and there’s a whole conversation around a photo of us someone took on the train. 

“I think you created a monster, babe.”

“Oh, God. That’s what I get for using the internet.”

I give her a rundown on the rumors and the fact that people already thought we might be an item before she posted that.

“Well, they’ve discovered that you’re married, so I’m sure they’ll back off that now.”

“I doubt it.”

Kate shrugs.

“How’d you get in my phone anyway?”

“Your passcode is super easy: the year you were born. You should change that.”

I laugh and roll my eyes before giving her a quick kiss and getting back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear your predictions for where this story is going!


	23. Whoops

It’s another hour later when my phone buzzes again. This time, it’s a text from Brian. I open my messages and see a ton of unread texts from him. I guess they got lost in the flurry of Instagram notifications.

“Where are you,” “Are you coming home before work,” “I thought you’d be here when I got back,” “I’m getting really worried,” “Okay, what the fuck? Where are you,” “I was really looking forward to seeing you when I got home,” “I guess I’ll see you tonight,” “Hello????”

Fuck. In the midst of everything with Kate, I completely forgot he got back in town this morning. I was supposed to be there, and I wasn’t. Now, I also haven’t communicated with him all day. I call him, and he answers before the second ring.

“Where are you? What happened? Why haven’t you answered me?”

“Sorry, I went to work early, and we’ve just been crazy busy.”

“So busy you took a nap?”

“What?”

“I have Instagram. So, you have time to nap, but no time to send me a text?”

“I didn’t even see the messages until just now.”

“Yeah because you’re off with your TV star friends not missing me at all. That’s fine. When can I expect you to show up at home?”

“Brian, that’s not what happened, and that’s not fair.”

“It feels like I never see you anymore.”

“You knew this job was going to keep me busy a lot more.”

“I didn’t know you would spend so much time with them outside of work.”

“Sorry for having friends!”

“You know that’s not what I meant. It just feels like you’d rather be with your new BFF Kate than me.”

Awkward.

“I missed you. I just got caught up. I’m sorry. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

He’s still upset with me, but at least I’ve held it off for a bit. I go down to my office, hoping Ian isn’t there. Thankfully, he’s not, so I sit down at my desk and cry. I feel so guilty for so many reasons. I feel like I barely know myself anymore.

A few minutes later, Kate and Ian walk in chatting.

“We’ve been looking for you!” Kate rushes over to my desk and sits on it to look at me.

“Yeah, we’ve got a new draft.” Ian sits at his desk, not noticing that I’m crying.

Kate looks at me with concern in her eyes. “Are you okay?”

I wipe my face quickly. “Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s see it!” I put my hand out for the new script. I can feel Kate’s eyes studying me as Ian hands me the papers. Ian is looking at her confused. I feel like I’m under a microscope; I’m trying to hide this secret from everyone, but it feels like more and more people are going to figure it out any second now. I’m looking at the sketch, but I’m not reading it. I can’t breathe. I get up and run out of the room. I see an open door to a supply closet, run in, close the door behind me, and have a panic attack.


	24. The Home Front

After about five minutes, there’s a soft knock on the door. I open it, and Kate squeezes in the tiny closet. 

“Are you ready to talk about it?”

I just grab her and hold her tightly. Eventually, I’m able to form words. “I just feel like everyone knows about us, and I’m going to have to tell Brian eventually. Everyone is going to get hurt because I’m a selfish person.”

“Hey! You’re not selfish. You’re not bad. You’re caught in a love triangle. Eventually, someone is going to get hurt, but it will be okay. Life is long. Things turn out okay.”

This woman. She is so patient and kind and wise. I give her a kiss.

“Ready to get back to work,” she asks, grabbing my hand and opening the door.

“Wait,” I pull her back in. “What did Ian say?”

“Oh, nothing. I said to just give you a minute because you have some anxiety issues. He didn’t seem too bothered.” She starts to leave the closet again.

“Wait!” I pull her back in, this time catching her face in my hands and kissing her deeply. 

  
  


After some fun in the closet, we adjust ourselves so it’s not obvious and leave. Of course, Ian is walking down the hallway as we do. 

“Uhhh. Hi?” He’s looking us up and down.

“Hey. Sorry, I had a panic attack, and Kate helped calm me down.”

He doesn’t look like he believes me, but he continues on anyway. We go back to our office and work the rest of the night. We turn the sketches in the next morning, and I head home. 

I’m dreading getting there. I’m excited to see Brian, but I’m sure he’s still upset with me. I hurt his feeling by not being there; I understand why he’s upset, but that really only makes it worse because it amplifies my negative feelings about myself.

I brace myself, then open the door. To my surprise, there are flowers on the coffee table and a note. It says, “There’s a present for you in the fridge. I wanted them to be fresh, but I wasn’t sure what time you’d be home. I have a few meetings today, so I’ll be in my office.” 

I check the fridge and find french toast! I walk towards his office (a nook between the kitchen and bedroom) and hear him talking. I heat up my breakfast and enjoy it. He emerges from his office as I finish. “Thank you so much! I actually didn’t eat last night, so that was much needed!”

“No problem!” He comes over and hugs me. “I’m sorry I was grumpy yesterday. I just missed you, and I was sad you weren’t here.” 

“I know. I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” We kiss.

“I’m going to take a nap before I have to go back for the read through.”

“I’ll be quiet,” he smiles. 

I’m glad everything is fine on the home front, but it also makes me feel even worse for betraying him.


	25. You Think You're Cute, Don't You?

Rehearsals Thursday and Friday are interesting. Since Ian and I are the primary writers of the sketch, we are heavily involved in the execution, which means we get to give feedback to the production and acting of it. Normally, I’m pretty flexible and I hear everyone’s opinion, but I’m having a bit of fun playing with Kate. It’s not enough that I look like a jerk to anyone else, but just enough for her to know that I get to be the boss for a second.

I walk up to her, script in hand. “Your delivery on this line is missing something.” She just stares at me.

“You think you’re cute, don’t you?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” I wink.

“This is my job, Emma. I take it very seriously. You should, too.”

I am taken aback. Of course, we both take the job very seriously. If I thought I compromising her performance at all, I would never do this. I thought I was just having a bit of fun. “Yeah, yeah. I do. I’m sorry.” I feel like a puppy that just got hit on the nose with a newspaper. I turn to walk away, but she grabs my arm and motions her head backstage. I’m so confused. Is she taking me somewhere private to properly let me have it? Is she going to yell at me?

We go into one of the quick change areas. She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me hard. I grab her waist and push her back. “What’s going on?”

She giggles, but when I hold my expression, her face falls a bit. “Wait. Did you actually think I was mad at you?”

“...Yeah.” Now I feel stupid, too. Great.

“Awww, you sweet baby. I was trying to get you back, but I didn’t think you’d believe me.” She puts her hands on my face and kisses my nose. I let a smile form.

“You’re mean.” I push her against the wall and kiss her, letting my hands go in her hair. We stay there until we hear rehearsals getting started again. We sneak out of the room and go back to the studio floor. 

As I walk through the doors, Ian appears next to me, a huge smile on his face. “So, did you always plan on fucking your way to the top?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short, I know..


	26. I Know

My feet stop moving. My heart misses several beats. My brain simultaneously feels frozen and like it’s moving a million miles an hour. 

Ian just stares at me, his smile turning into a smirk. “I own you now.”

I think I’m going to throw up, but I have to keep it together. Be cool, Emma. “What are you talking about?”

“Emma, don’t play dumb. You’re fucking Kate McKinnon, and I think a lot of people would be interested in learning about that: the media, Lorne, NBC HR, your colleagues, your husband. Should I go on?”

Fuck. “What do you want from me, Ian?”

“I haven’t quite decided that, yet, but I’ll certainly let you know.”

Kate walks back over with a concerned look on her face. I’m sure I’m ghostly white. “What’s going on?”

Ian looks at me.

I force a smile. “Nothing.” I can tell she doesn’t believe me, but I’m not letting her get involved in this. “Let’s go perfect this sketch.”

  
  


Saturday comes and goes. The show goes well, and our sketch makes it to air. My anxiety is through the roof the whole time. I can feel Ian watching my every move. In response, I keep my distance from Kate. She tries to pull me away a few times, but I shut it down knowing his eyes are on me. It’s eerie and unpleasant.

At the afterparty, I’m sitting with my usual crew. I purposefully don’t sit next to Kate, and I can tell her feelings are hurt. Brian isn’t here, so I’m sure she expected to be able to flirt and have some fun. I excuse myself to the bathroom, the one place I’m pretty sure Ian won’t be spying. 

I’m standing with my hands on the counter, staring into the mirror. Kate comes in and stands farther away than usual. She’s studying my face. 

“Emma, is everything okay?”

I look at her face in the mirror and nod. She doesn’t believe me. I feel her study my body language, trying to decide if she should approach me. I hate that I’ve made her feel this way. I turn and open my arms. She immediately rushes into them. I kiss the top of her head. She nuzzles under my chin.

“You’ve been acting strange today.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay.” She hugs me tightly, then leans back and looks at my face. I smile at her, and she smiles back. I’ve suspected it for a while, but in this moment, I know. I’m in love with her. Her empathy, patience, kindness, talent, beauty. The fact that I know I’d do anything to protect her. I want to tell her, but I can’t. I can’t do that to her when I know I’m also in love with someone else. Someone that I’ve committed my life to. I thought SNL was the best thing that ever happened to me, and in some ways it is, but it’s also destroying me.


	27. What Are You Thinking About?

“Can we just go back to your place?”

“Won’t Brian be expecting you?”

I shrug. “I’ll be back before he wakes up.”

She smiles and gives me a kiss. “Let’s go.”

We leave discreetly. I’m sure Ian noticed, but I no longer have the energy to care. I just want to spend time with Kate. 

We get back to her apartment and cuddle up on the couch. I’m sitting up with my feet on the coffee table, and she has her head in my lap looking up at me. We haven’t said anything in a while; I decide to break the silence. “What are you thinking about?”

“You.”

I laugh. “What about me?” She breaks eye contact and doesn’t respond. I pull her face back towards mine. She’s blushing. “What?”

“Nothing.” I stare at her. “What’s your maiden name?”

I laugh. “That’s random.”

“I mean, it’s only tangentially related to what I was thinking about…”

I ponder this. “My maiden name is Adams.”

She looks surprised. “That’s your name now, Emma Adams.”

I laugh. “No, it’s not. I just go by that professionally.”

“What?! I don’t even know your real last name!?”

“No, you don’t, Ms. Berthold.” 

“That’s not fair!” 

I shrug. “Sorry about it.”

She sits up and looks at me.

“What are you going to do about it?”

She studies me, then she lunges. She tickles me until I’m screaming. “Fine! Fine! It’s Thompson! Emma Thompson!” She relents, then looks at me seriously. I can tell there’s something she wants to say, but she holds it back. That’s okay; her eyes are saying, “I love you, Emma Thompson.”

I put my hand around the back of her neck and kiss her passionately. I didn’t think it was actually possible to be in love with two people, but here I am.

We get back in our previous cuddling position. I’m playing with her hair, and we’re enjoying the silence, both lost in thought. Brian doesn’t like silence. She reaches up and pushes the tip of my nose up so I look like a pig. She cracks herself up with that, and it’s the cutest thing. 

I sigh. “I wish I could stay the night.”

“Me too.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

I smile. I know I’m not going to do that. “I’ll see you Monday.” She walks me to the door and kisses me goodnight. I walk home as the sun rises. On one hand, I feel incredibly happy and lucky. On the other, I feel impossibly guilty and terrible. I also feel scared of what Ian might do. 

I crawl into bed with Brian and fall asleep quickly. I’m sure I’ll sleep all day because I’m exhausted, but also because it’s my best avoidance technique.


	28. Sea Cliff Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I'm too excited about this little story arc! Enjoy! And let me know your thoughts!

The next week is mostly uneventful. Ian doesn’t do anything, but I can tell he hasn’t forgotten. He’s always nearby, and sometimes he’ll wink at me or smirk to let me know he still has control. I do my best to just hide my relationship with Kate more than normal.

I don’t have any sketches air. Ian has one, which I suspect is why he’s left me mostly alone.

As we get ready to leave the afterparty, I ask Kate what she’s doing with our off-week. I’m hoping we’ll get to spend some time together, but I know it’s a little trickier without work as an excuse for Brian. It’s nice when we get to spend time outside of work because her walls come down a little quicker. I knew she was private in the sense of not telling the media much, but she is also guarded in general. I’m getting through slowly, but I know I still have a long way to go.

“I’m going to see my mom.”

“Oh. That’s nice! How long will you be gone?”

“I’m leaving Monday. I’ll probably come back Wednesday or Thursday.”

“Well, that’ll be fun. I know you’ve been missing her.”

She smiles at me. “I have. And Emily is coming, too.” She pauses, thinking. “Have you ever been to Long Island?”

“Nope.”

“You should come!”

I’m very surprised. She wants me to come see her childhood home and invade her family time? “No, no. You enjoy your time with your family!” 

I can see she wants to grab me and kiss me. She lowers her voice even quieter than normal, “I’d really like you to come, actually. But I understand if you don’t feel comfortable.” She discreetly squeezes my hand.

I look around. No one is watching, so I give her a quick kiss on the cheek, then whisper, “I’ll see what I can do.” It makes me a little nervous, and I know it’ll take some working with Brian, but I do not want to disappoint her. She gives me a huge dimpled smile, and now I know I have to go.    
  


 

I meet Kate and Emily at Penn Station on Monday afternoon. I told Brian I just needed to get out of the city for a couple days, and he didn’t seem to mind at all. We take the LIRR, which is an experience. 

We manage to get a car pretty much to ourselves. Since Emily knows we’re together, we get to cuddle up a bit and be flirty, which is nice. I expected Emily to be protective and a little disapproving, but she seems genuinely happy for us. I catch her just looking at us a smiling a few times.

“You guys make me sick.”

We both laugh. “I can’t help how cute I am,” Kate replies.

Emily rolls her eyes, then goes to the bathroom. Kate adjusts so she can look at me. “So, my mom doesn’t know about us.”

“Okay.”

“I am undecided on whether or not I want to tell her.”

“Okay.”

“What do you think?”

“Hmmm. What are you afraid of?”

“In life? Everything. In this? I’m not sure.”

“Well, it seems to me that your mom has always supported anything that makes you happy, so I don’t think this would be an exception. But I’ll do whatever you want.” I smile and tap the tip of her nose.

She considers. “Okay.”

Some people come into the train car, so we untangle ourselves. The two girls walk up to us. “Excuse me?”

Kate responds, “Yes?”

“Are you Kate McKinnon?”

“Yes, hello.”

They freak out. “We’re such huge fans! Can we take a picture with you?!”

“Sure!” Kate jumps up and poses for selfies with them. She’s just the best. They chat briefly, then the girls leave as Emily returns. 

  
  


We arrive at the Berthold residence around sunset. Kate’s mom is lovely, warm, and welcoming. She’s cooking us dinner, which gives Kate a chance to show me around a little bit. I wish I could say her bedroom was just as she left it when she moved out over 15 years ago, but it’s been updated. There are no X-Files VHSs or Gillian Anderson posters. I’m a little disappointed. She points out Emily’s room and shows me where the bathroom is. She motions to a closed door and quietly mentions that was her dad’s study. I’d love to hear more, but I know not to push the subject. She’ll tell me about him when she’s ready. 

Dinner is delicious! I’ve heard Kate say that her mother is an excellent cook, but I’m still blown away. I offer to help with the dishes, and her mom and I get to work. Kate and Emily wander off somewhere. 

“So, tell me about yourself. I know you’re a new writer this season, and I think Kate mentioned you’re from the south?”

“Yeah. I’m from South Carolina. I’ve been writing sketch comedy for several years, and I got my dream job.”

“You seem to be doing well on the show. Kate pointed out to me the sketches you wrote.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve been really lucky so far.”

“What else do you do?”

“Ummm, well, I have a cat named Jack. I’m married, and I play guitar.”

She considers this for a moment. “So, you’re married, yet you’re dating my daughter?”

I drop the plate I was holding. Thankfully, it lands in the sink full of water and doesn’t break. I don’t know what to do. Kate never told me if she planned on telling her mom or not. Do I lie? Do I confess? My pause is long enough that her mom jumps back in, laughing a bit.

“I’m not judging you, Emma. I don’t want Kate getting hurt, though.”

“I don’t either.”

“Well, I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

“Did she tell you?”

“No. She didn’t have to. I’m a mom. We know things. You’re drawn to each other like magnets, and she doesn’t usually bring her friends home.”

I take this in for a moment and nod.

“She really cares about you, Emma. Please don’t make her regret that.”

My eyes fill with tears that threaten to spill over. I swallow and nod my head. Emily and Kate come back in then. I wipe my eyes quickly and turn around. Kate looks back and forth between me and her mom then lets out a sigh.

Her mom announces, “We’ve addressed the elephant in the room, and now we can all enjoy a lovely few days together!” 

Kate gives her mother an exasperated look. “How do you always know?”

“You can’t keep things from me, baby girl.” She goes and gives Kate a hug. As she does, she whispers something in Kate’s ear that makes her look at me and smile. 

This should be an interesting few days.


	29. Sea Cliff Part 2

I’m awoken the next morning to some playful pokes to my side. I open my eyes and see a sweaty Kate in leggings and a hoodie. 

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I went for a run. Get up. Mom made pancakes.”

I don’t move immediately, so she tries to pull me up.

“Ew, you’re so sweaty!”

“You don’t like it?” She starts rubbing against me. “How’s it smell?”

I push her away. “Not great.” We both are giggling when Emily taps the open door.

“Breakfast is ready.”

We go downstairs and enjoy a nice meal with her family. When Kate goes to shower, we discuss what we’ll do today. Her mom suggests a picnic near the beach, which I get excited about.

“Kate will hate that. I’m in,” Emily chimes in, ever the little sister.

“Kate doesn’t like picnics,” I inquire.

“Kate doesn’t love the beach. We can go somewhere else,” their mom adds.

“I actually would like to see the beach,” I add. 

Emily grins, happy to have a co-conspirator. “Beach it is!”

Kate comes back in at that moment, dressed in loungewear with wet hair. How is she sexy even like this? “What about the beach?”

“We’re going on a picnic!” Emily is smiling ear-to-ear.

“Can’t we go to the park,” Kate protests.

I shoot Emily a quick glance and wink. “I’d actually really like to see the beach, babe.”

Kate immediately relents. She dramatically announces, “I suppose I’ll live just this once!”

  
  


The picnic is lovely. Emily and I made sandwiches that were delicious. Once we’re done eating, Emily reads a magazine, their mom reads a book, and Kate and I go for a walk on the beach. As the sun starts to set, I can tell she’s cold, so I give her my sweatshirt.  
“Thank you, dear.”

I smile at what is apparently her favorite nickname for me. “I need something better than ‘babe,’ to call you.”

She laughs. “I like it. But, I suppose you could be more creative. Any ideas?”

“Not really. Stay tuned.”

  
  


Kate’s sister and mom go to a movie around 8, leaving Kate and me with the house to ourselves. We’re sitting on the couch with the TV on in the background. I’m playing with her hair, and she’s drawing circles around my knee.

“So what do you think of my mom?”

“She’s great. She seems really genuine and fun.”

“And Emily?”

“How could you not love Emily? You really are lucky to have such a great family.”

“I mean, not completely lucky…” She gets a sad look in her eyes, and I remember that there is someone missing. 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean…”

She interrupts me, “No. I want to talk about it now.” She gets up and takes my hand. She leads me upstairs to the closed door she pointed out before. We go in. It’s a lovely little room with bookshelves and a drawing table. There are framed photos of Kate and Emily as children on the walls. “This is pretty much how he left it.” She looks around, then turns to me with tears in her eyes. “I still miss him every day. I wish he could see me now. I wish he could meet you. You would have loved him.” I wrap my arms around her, and she cries for a bit. When she composes herself, she tells me about her childhood and what her dad was like. She tells me how he taught her to ride a bike and drove her to swim lessons. She tells me about when she told him she was gay. She tells me about him dying. About how long it took her to see the light again. About how hopeless and lost she was without him at first. 

The walls are down. I get the feeling that these are things she’s shared with only a handful of people, and I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to be one of them. I want to grab her face and tell her I love her. That I wish it were simple, and we could just be together. That it’s going to be okay. 

“Emma?” She’s very serious. She grabs my hands and looks me in my eyes.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

I want to say it back so badly, but I know I can’t. I can’t say that to her until I know what the future looks like. It wouldn’t be fair.

“You don’t have to say anything back. I just want you to know that I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. I know there are things you need to figure out, but I’m asking you to do that. I want you, and I want all of you. You don’t have to decide today, but I need you to put your mind on that road. I hope you choose me because, god, I love you so much.”

We’re both crying. I’m nodding my head. “Okay.”

“Seeing you be part of my family has been amazing. I knew they’d love you, but then yesterday my mom told me that you were ‘the one.’ She knew immediately. Please don’t let her be wrong.”

I nod my head again and wipe away some of her tears. I kiss her forehead. “I’ll choose.”


	30. Sea Cliff Part 3

I don’t sleep at all. I lay awake staring at Kate for a long time, weighing my options. I eventually think I’ll go crazy if I stay in the room a second longer, so I get up and go to the kitchen for some water. I wander through the house as I drink it, looking at photos and wishing I had met Kate years ago before it was complicated by Brian. I cry. I panic. I eventually make a choice.

When Kate wakes up, I’m sitting on the bed looking at her. I’ve been waiting for her to wake up, enjoying these last moments in her world. She was sleeping so peacefully, a slight smile on her face. A smile that tugged at my heart and put a hole in my stomach because of what I had to do. I look terrible because of the lack of sleep and the crying and heartbreak.

“What’s going on?”

“I couldn’t sleep last night. I’ve been thinking about what you said.”

She reads the somber tone to my voice, and she crumbles. “No. No. Don’t do this.”

“He’s my husband, Kate.” Tears start rolling down my face. She is looking at me, begging me to stay with her eyes. I feel like I’m going to throw up.

“Do you love me?”

“Kate, don’t do this.”

“I know you do. Do you love him more?”

“Kate…” She’s crying and shaking, and I want to hold her until it’s okay again. “I married him. I committed myself to him. I took vows.”

“No. Don’t talk to me about vows. You’ve already broken those. You love me more. I know you do. Please don’t go.”

“It’s so much more complicated than that. Our families are connected, we have a cat, he makes more money than me. And I do love him.”

“Emma, please, no. You know this isn’t what you want.”

I look away and take a deep breath in an attempt to solidify my resolve. “I’m sorry.”

She lets out a few sobs. “Get out.” 

“Kate, I’m so sorry.”

“Get out!”

I get up and grab my bag. I want to give her a last kiss. I want to hold her. I want to be able to explain this choice, but it doesn’t matter because it won’t fix the hurt I’ve just caused. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. She’s crying so hard that she’s screaming. She’s holding herself as if she would physically fall apart if she let go. The look on her face says that might be a better option than the hurt she feels in this moment. I hate myself enough for the both of us.

“Goodbye, Kate.” I don’t look back because I think it might actually kill me if I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually cried while writing this...


	31. Chapter 31

I have no recollection of the journey home. I’m dehydrated and exhausted. I’ve run out of tears. My body hurts. I don’t know how I can continue existing in this moment, let alone walk through the door and explain everything to Brian. But I have to.

I open the door, and he is sitting on the couch playing video games. He looks up, surprised I’m home early. He smiles, but his face falls once he takes in my appearance. He jumps up, and I fall into his arms and sob. He asks what’s wrong a million times before I can actually form words.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Baby, sorry for what? It’s fine.”

“I had an affair.”

“What?”

“It’s over now. I’m so, so sorry.”

He looks more surprised than anything. “With who?”

This will make it even harder to swallow. “Kate.”

“What?”

“I’ve been having an affair with Kate McKinnon for a few weeks. It was serious, and I had to choose, but I choose you.” He’s calculating something in his head. It’s a lot of information to take in. “I’m so sorry.”

He hardens. “Stop apologizing.”

I don’t know what to say besides an apology. “Tell me what you’re thinking.” He looks hurt but not broken.

“I wasn’t enough. How can I trust you again? I’m thinking that apparently my wife is sexually attracted to women and never told me about it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I need some time.” He grabs his coat and walks out the door, leaving me to wallow in sadness for the rest of the day.

  
  


When he finally comes back, I’m asleep. The door closing wakes me, and I jump up, anxious to know what he has to say.

“I need to know this won’t happen again.” 

I nod.

“I need to know that it’s really over.”

“It is.”

“I need to know you still love me.”

“I do.”

“I need to never talk about this again.”

This one surprises me, but I swallow hard and nod anyway. I need it to be behind me, too.

  
  


The next few days are difficult. I try to spend a lot of time outside the house because I’m still dealing with my heartbreak. I don’t want Brian to know how serious it is, so I try to keep my sobbing and panic attacks from him. 

I do a lot of pacing around the city listening to music. I’m listening to one of my favorite albums when a song comes on that affects me differently than it ever has before. “If it makes you less sad, I’ll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself, I’ll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I’ll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.” I stop walking and start crying in the middle of the sidewalk. I hope she’s okay. I would do anything to make it be okay. I never wanted to hurt her. I wish it had never started. As amazing as it was, she would have been much better off having never loved me at all. I miss her so much. I love her so much. “You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second-hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.” I have to sit down. I feel like I’ve been punched multiple times. I chose wrong. I do love her more. But it’s too late because I ultimately made the only choice I could. I’m doing the right thing, even though it feels so wrong right now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New


	32. Chapter 32

KATE

 

My eyes must be swollen shut. I’m conscious, but I can’t open my eyes. Maybe I’m paralyzed. Who cares. I roll over and go back to sleep.

  
  


I wake up and manage to open my eyes partially. Emily is laying next to me. I guess it wasn’t all just a bad dream. I roll over and go back to sleep.

  
  


My mom nudges me awake and offers soup. I shake my head. “You have to eat,” she insists. I shake my head again. I roll over and go back to sleep.

  
  


I stare at the ceiling when I can’t sleep anymore. I have no idea what day it is. My mom brings me crackers. I eat half of one. Why did I tell Emma to choose? I could have shared her longer. Emily comes in and sits on the bed.

“I’ve never seen you like this before.”

“I’ve never felt like this before.” Was that even my voice? I feel completely detached from my body.

“It’s going to be okay, sis.” I just stare at her. I don’t know what to say. It won’t be okay. I roll over and pretend to go back to sleep.


	33. Chapter 33

EMMA

 

I somehow survive long enough for it to be Monday again. I feel like I’m living in a blur of misery, barely functioning. I’m sure Brian has noticed, but we’re both just praying that it will pass and we can be normal again.

I have no pitches for the meeting, but I don’t really care. I’m far more concerned with seeing Kate. I won’t talk to her, but I need to see her. I need to know she’s okay.

The meeting starts, and she still hasn’t arrived. Lorne starts the meeting without her, and I can’t take my eyes off the door. The mention of her name pulls me back into the moment.

“Kate took the week off, so keep that in mind if you have any characters for her or any impressions she usually does.” Kate has never taken a week off. I don’t think that’s even really allowed. I barely control my breathing enough to get through the meeting without anyone noticing me. 

On the way out, I grab Aidy’s arm. She shakes it off and looks at me with disgust. “You don’t get to act concerned now. I told you this would happen, and you chose to break her heart anyway.”

“Where is she? Is she okay?”

“She took the week off.”

“She’s never done that. I didn’t even know she could do that.”

“She can’t. Lorne was livid, but she didn’t care. That’s how bad it is. Emily says she’s not eating or talking about it. She apparently hasn’t stopped crying, and she won’t answer anyone’s calls. You broke her. I hope it was worth it.” Aidy storms away and something in me snaps.


	34. Sea Cliff Part 4

The next thing I know I’m pounding on a door to a little house in Sea Cliff, NY in the middle of the night. A light flickers on, and the door opens partially. It’s Emily.

“What do you want?”

“I need to see her.”

“No. You aren’t going to hurt her any more.”

“You’re right, I’m not. I was wrong. Please let me see her.”

“No.” 

“Emily, I will force my way past you if necessary.”

“Let her in,” a weak, hoarse, voice says from behind Emily. The door opens further, and I see Kate. She looks hollow. Her eyes are swollen and dark. Her spirit seems to be gone. My heart drops even further than where it’s already been. I rush in and grab her shoulders.

“It’s you. I choose you. I will always choose you from here on out. I was wrong. I love you so much. I’m sorry that I did this, and I’d take it all back if I could. I thought I was doing the right thing. But when Aidy told me how hurt you were, I couldn’t bear it anymore. I love you. I love you so much. I was so wrong. I can’t live without you. Please take me back.” I’m sobbing and pleading, and I almost fall over with how desperate I am. She looks into my eyes then falls into my arms, crying.

“I love you, too.”

I hold her as she cries into my chest, and I cry into her hair. I kiss her head a thousand times. “I love you. I love you so much. I’m so sorry.”

We stand in each other’s arms for a long time. I’d be content to hold her right here forever. Eventually, she looks up at me, a little bit of life back in her eyes, and asks, “Can we go sleep for a while?” I smile and nod, and we go to bed. I’m exhausted from the roller coaster, and I imagine Kate is even more so. I sleep with her in my arms, and I get the feeling we’re both praying this isn’t just a dream, scared we’ll wake up into the heartbreak we’ve been living.


	35. Homeless

I hear a clatter in the living room. “Damn it, Emma. You can’t just leave your shoes in the middle of the floor.”

“Sorry!”

When I showed up in Sea Cliff, I didn’t know if she would take me back, but she has never questioned my commitment. We went to my apartment the next night, and I told Brian that it was over. He was surprisingly calm. I think he must have known. That’s not to say it’s been easy. We’ve had plenty of fights over stuff and Jack, the cat. We also haven’t told anyone that we’re getting divorced. I think we both know we’ll have to answer questions we’re not ready to face yet.

Brian is keeping the apartment since I can’t afford it. I’ve been staying with Kate for 2 weeks now, and it hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing. I’m messier than she would like. She’s a bed hog. I take too long in the bathroom. She leaves coins on every surface. There have been some tense moments but only a couple of arguments. I’ve been looking at apartments, but there aren’t a lot in my price range that I like. I’ve given myself a deadline of one more week staying with Kate. I don’t want the sudden pressure of living together to jeopardize this.

SNL is off this week. Kate is headed to a photo shoot for Rolling Stone, and I’m going to look at apartments. I come out of the bedroom as she puts her coat on.

“I’ll try to be tidier.” I already feel bad for invading her space; I could at least take better care of it.

“It’s fine. I just need to watch where I’m going.” She smiles and gives me a kiss. “See you tonight?”

“It’s a date. I love you!”

She flashes a dimpled smile. “I love you, too.”

  


Later that night, we finish eating at a cute little Italian restaurant and go for a walk around the neighborhood.

“There’s a beautiful brownstone for sale on 83rd Street,” she announces as she crosses the street to head uptown.

“Okay.”

“You wanna see it?”

I shrug, “Sure.”

“It checks off a lot of things you’re looking for.”

I stop. “Kate, do you think I can afford a brownstone on the Upper East Side?”

She is dismissive. “Details, love.”

We turn the corner, and I see it. Wow. It is stunning. “This is beautiful. How much is it going for?”

“It’s actually pretty well priced.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I put an offer on it.”

I snap my head to look at her. “What?”

“I looked at it earlier, and I love it. So, I made an offer. It’s nothing set in stone, so if you don’t like it, it’s fine.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I want to buy this for us.”

I guess I spend too long absorbing this information because the next thing I know she grabs my face. “I just kept thinking that it didn’t make sense for you to find your own place since we’d just end up splitting our time between two apartments. And it’s time for me to upgrade. You can even pay rent if you want.”

“You want to live together? Are you worried that we’re going too fast?”

She laughs. “You left your husband for me. I see no reason to hit the brakes now.” She gives me a kiss. I pick her up off the ground and we spin around in front of what could be our home.


	36. All in

KATE

 

The morning after she arrived at the door, I woke up in a panic. I could feel someone in the bed next to me, but I was terrified to roll over to discover it had all been a dream and it was my mom or Emily in the bed. I started crying. Then the arm around me tightened. I realized that had to be her, but I was full of panic. She pulled me over to look at my face, and I was so full of instant relief that I started to cry more. Emma Thompson, the love of my life, was here wiping my tears away. 

She doesn’t know, but I still wake up every day with a similar sense of terror. What if today is the day she changes her mind? Everything has been so up in the air that I feel like anything could still happen. I know she loves me, and I know she’s committed to me, but at some point, Brian knew those same things. I’ve learned to shove these thoughts far away because, for right now, she’s chosen me. She’s mine, and I’m not going to ruin that by bringing up these scary things. 

So, instead, I’m going to make a move to solidify this. I know it sounds crazy, and I know that she isn’t going anywhere, but that nagging voice in the back of my mind is telling me to lock it down. She definitely isn’t ready to talk marriage yet, so moving in seems like the best choice. I keep trying to get her to unpack her stuff at my place, but she isn’t taking the hint. She’s just living out of a suitcase and some boxes. I cleared out drawers and closet space, but she keeps telling me that she’ll be out of my hair soon. After a week of this, I realized that maybe it’s because we need our own place; not my place. So, I started looking at apartments. I started with some one or two bedrooms, but they say you shouldn’t buy a place you’ll live in for less than ten years. Within that time frame, I fully expect our family to need more than a couple of bedrooms. That’s when I found the perfect place: a gorgeous, three-story brownstone with ivy on the front and a beautiful entryway. I knew she’d love it.

She cracks me up when she worries about us moving too fast. Sure, I’m scared of some things, but it has nothing to do with that. I think she worries about that for my benefit, but how can she not know that I’m all in? I’d marry her tomorrow. I’d marry her yesterday. I’d like to go back in time and marry her ten years ago. 


	37. Grand Gestures

EMMA

 

We’re laying in bed naked after celebrating the moving-in proposal and acceptance. She has her head on my chest and I’m holding her tight. “So, tell me more about our house,” I prompt. She leans back to look at me, smiling.

“Well, I’m waiting to hear back about the offer. I also figured we should arrange a time for you to see it.”

“I saw it.”

She laughs. “You haven’t seen the inside.”

“Will you be in it? That’s all I need to know.” She rolls her eyes at my cheesiness. “Whatever. You love me.”

“That I do. And I’m glad we’re even on grand gestures now.”

“What?”

“You made a grand gesture, and now I have, so it’s your turn again.”

“I made a grand gesture?”

“You showed up at my mom’s house in the middle of the night, professed your love, and begged me to take you back. It was pretty dramatic, dear. And very grand. Now, I’ve surprised you with a home.”

I laugh and nod. “Grand gesture ball is my court. Noted.”

“Our house is four bedrooms and three baths. It has a beautiful kitchen and great closets.”

“I can’t wait.” I think I know the answer to this, but I want to talk about it, so I ask, “What are all those bedrooms for?”

She studies my face for a second before answering. Is she nervous to tell me? It’s not like she can scare me off at this point. I’m hers. She could tell me she wanted to quit acting, move to North Dakota, and have twelve kids, and I’d go along with it. She takes a breath, then says, “I mean, we haven’t really discussed our feelings or plans on this, but I thought we might, maybe, one day…”

I’m impatient, and she’s being ridiculous, so I interrupt, “make lotsa babies!?!” I kiss her as she laughs with me. 

“I love you!”

“I love you, too!” I pull her on top of me, always eager to show her how much I love her.

The next morning, we’re eating cereal and browsing our phones when I see something that makes me spit milk out. Kate looks up, a mix of amused and alarmed. “You okay?” I slide my phone over to her. She studies it for a moment, then sighs. She looks at me and deadpans, “That’s not ideal.” 


	38. You Aren't Something to Hide

It’s an article headlined, “Kate McKinnon: Homewrecker,” with a photo of us kissing last night in front of the house. The article cites an anonymous source, but I think I know what that means: Ian. Kate isn’t usually in the tabloids, but this is picking up steam for some reason. I start scrolling the comments, and there are references to a forum I’ve seen before where someone talks about seeing us on the train to Long Island. Shit. Kate’s phone rings, and I see it’s her publicist. I guess we have to tell people now.

I call Brian, and he is not happy. I’m arguing with him when Kate interrupts, “Baby, do you have any idea who would have leaked this?” I tell Brian I’ll call him back, and tell Kate to put her publicist on speaker. I tell them about Ian, and Kate is horrified. I have three missed calls from my mom. 

Once we’re done on the phone, I go to pack a suitcase. “What are you doing,” Kate asks.

“I can’t tell my family about this over the phone.”

“We’re going to handle the story. You don’t have to tell them if you aren’t ready.”

I stop what I’m doing and give her a hug. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. But I love you more than I’m scared. It’s time. You aren’t something to hide.”

“Can I come with you?”

“Of course.”

We’re on the next flight to South Carolina. 

  
  


We arrive at my parents’ house, and Kate puts her hand on the handle to open the taxi’s door. “You ready?”

I put my hand on her knee. “No. Wait.” My heart is racing, and I feel like I might pass out. My parents aren’t wildly conservative or anything. There isn’t anything that makes me think they’re going to disown me, but it’s still scary. You never truly know.

Kate puts one hand on top of mine and cups my face with the other one. “It’s going to be okay. I’m right here next to you no matter what.” She kisses me, and I remember why it’s worth it to do this.

  
  


My mom opens the door and a hundred emotions flash across her face as her eyes flicker from my face to Kate’s to our interlocked hands: surprise, excitement, confusion, worry, resignation. She lands on a smile and wraps me in a hug. I feel immediate relief. She still loves me. Of course, I’m still anxious about having to provide an explanation, and say the words.

We find my dad and sit down in the living room. Kate is holding my shaking, sweaty hands. My throat is so tight that every word hurts, so I try to use as few as possible. “I think you’ve seen the article…?” They both nod their heads. “Well, it got a lot of facts wrong, but the gist is correct. I had an affair with Kate, and we fell in love. I left Brian a few weeks ago.” I pause. I have to get used to this part, especially. “I’m bisexual.”

There is silence for probably three seconds, but it feels like an eternity. My mom speaks first. “Okay.”

I immediately start crying. “I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“Honey, we aren’t disappointed. It’s a lot to take in, but we love you no matter what.”

My dad comes over and puts his arm over my shoulders. “I just want you to be happy.” I wrap my arms around his neck, and we both cry. I feel Kate shift, and then my mom joins the family hug.

It will probably be a long way to feeling normal, but we have a couple days for them to get to know Kate and get used to seeing us together.


	39. Moving Forward

We got back from my parents’ house last night, and things were a little tense. Apparently, whenever we were in front of my parents, I moved away from Kate and wouldn’t touch her any more than just holding hands. I didn’t really do it on purpose; I just felt awkward about it. Like when I was a teenager and had my first boyfriend. Anyway, Kate’s feelings were hurt, and she thought I needed to be truer to myself. Obviously, she was understanding that it’s new to me, but she was frustrated nonetheless. 

We’re back at work today, and Lorne made an announcement about our relationship and ordered no one to speak to the press about it. Ian is still here since we can’t prove he did it yet, but Lorne switched my office so that I don’t have to be around him. I don’t anticipate he’ll last long since anyone who knows about what happened will probably refuse to work with him.

We don’t want anyone to accuse us of playing favorites or anything, so we decided that I wouldn’t cast Kate in any of my sketches for a couple of weeks at least. That kind of sucks though because we’ll barely get to spend any time together despite being in the same building.

I haven’t said anything to Kate, but I did spend some time in the comments section of that article, and it hasn’t exactly left me feeling great about myself. A few people called me fat, ugly, and/or a fame whore. I know I’m not in it for the fame, but I do have some body image issues. 

On Tuesday night, Kate brings me leftovers from the host dinner to my office. It’s a huge portion of pasta, which I politely refuse. 

“Okay, what’s wrong? You love pasta,” she asks playfully sitting on my desk.

“Nothing. I’m just not hungry.” I keep my eyes on my computer because I know she’ll see through my lie.

She takes a deep breath. “Emma, have you eaten today?”

“I had a veggie smoothie this morning.” Still no eye contact. 

She leans into my field of view. “That was twelve hours ago. You declined getting bagels yesterday. You barely ate when we were in South Carolina, either. I thought that was because you were nervous, but I’m concerned it’s something more.” She turns my head toward hers. My eyes are glossy. She kicks the door closed. 

“I just want to lose some weight. I know there are better ways to, but I just feel kind of helpless about it.”

“Why do you want to lose weight?”

I gesture to my body. “Kate, I’m overweight. I know that. You don’t have to lie.” I even pinch a bit of flab on my belly.

She gets on the floor in front of me and gives me very serious look. “I think you are perfect exactly like you are. You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen, and the only thing I would change about you is for you to be able to see you how I do.” She kisses my flabby belly. “Now what brought this on?”

“I know it’s stupid, but the internet seems to think I’m not good enough for you.” 

She laughs. “They don’t even know me. Or you. You are far more than I deserve. Now, eat some pasta and write some good sketches.” She gives me a kiss. “I love you!”

“Love you, too!” I feel a little better, but I still pull my shirt out so that it’s loose on my stomach.

 

 

The rest of the week goes smoothly enough, and we have an appointment to see the house on Sunday before Kate closes on it the following week. We’re standing out front waiting on the realtor when Kate gives me a devilish grin. “So, I miiiiiiight have embellished a little bit when describing the house.” I narrow my eyes in response. “Well, the… it… you’ll see.” She waves to the realtor who lets us in after some very brief business talk.

The next thing I know, I’m in a brownstone that seemingly has been abandoned since 1935. I look at the decrepit kitchen, turn to Kate, and say, “I believe you described this as beautiful?”

“It needs some renovations, but the bones are here!” She is so excited that I almost cave in immediately. 

“Kate, this is going to cost a fortune.”

“We’re getting a great deal on the house, and we can do a lot of it ourselves!”

“Yeah, what with our excess free time and contracting experience?”

“Close your eyes.” I start to protest, but she hits me with some pleading blue eyes, so I obey. “The outside is already perfect. Imagine the walls light gray. We could knock out the wall between the dining area and the living room. Picture all of this sunlight streaming in while we read on the couch. The kitchen with new counters and appliances. We’ll have a big bed upstairs and plenty of room for friends to come over.” I can see it pretty clearly. She’s right; the house is great.

“This is going to be a lot of work, and it’ll be awhile before we can even move in…”

“It will be so worth it! Please?”

“Honey, you’re buying it. You don’t need my permission.”

“You know what I mean. I want you on board.”

I give in. “I’ll go anywhere with you.” 

She leaps into my arms, and we spin around. As we do, she whispers, “I wish we were alone so we could christen our first home.”

I blush but turn around to see the realtor on her phone. “She probably wouldn’t notice if we went upstairs real quick.”

She laughs and taps my nose. “There will be a time to do it properly.”

“Can’t wait!” I kiss the tip of her nose.


	40. Holiday Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually sat down to figure out where we are in the timeline. It's been 2.5 months, and we've done 9 shows!

It’s the last show before we break for the holidays. We’re doing the ice-rink goodbyes this year, so I get to watch Kate skate around and be adorable. 

Sunday morning, I decide to wake up early and make her breakfast. I finish the stack of pancakes as she comes shuffling out of the bedroom. I hand her coffee and kiss her nose, earning a smile. 

“Ugh. I feel terrible. What happened?”

I laugh remembering telling her to slow down at the after party last night. “You went a little crazy…”

“Please don’t ever let me do whatever I did again. I want to die.”

“You can’t die today. You have contracts to sign on a house.”

I put the pancakes in front of her on the table and she digs in.

“Holy shit. And you claim to not be a great cook?”

“I only do unhealthy things well. Mainly baked goods. Dinners aren’t my forte.”

“I’ll eat these pancakes for every meal for the rest of my life.”

I smile at the thought. I imagine making her pancakes in our new kitchen. I imagine her eating pancakes with a toddler in her lap. Family breakfasts on Sundays as the kids get older. I’m pulled from my reverie by Kate snapping at me.

“Earth to Emma.” 

I laugh. “Sorry.”

“I want to talk about our holiday plans.”

“Okay.” 

“I believe you already have a flight booked to go home for a couple weeks?”

“Yes. I leave on the 22nd and come back January 3rd.”

“Well, my mom really wants you to come out to Long Island for a few days before you leave.”

“Your mom wants me to? What to you want?”

“Of course I want you to come!” She rolls her eyes at me.

I shrug. “Okay. That’s fine. We can maybe head down there on Tuesday?”

“Sure! Also,” she pauses, “I was wondering if you’d mind me spending some time with your family after Christmas?” I’m surprised by this and don’t answer immediately. “Of course, if you don’t want me to, that’s totally fine. I’ll just miss you while you’re gone, but it’s okay. No pressure.”

“I just…” I trail off and look at the floor.

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” She takes her plate to the sink, and I can tell she’s hurt.

“Kate.” I follow her. “That’s not what I was going to say.” She turns to look at me with watery eyes. I put my hands on her face. “I’d love for you to come. I have to get used to it. I just didn’t think you’d be chomping at the bit to go back down there.”

“Really?”

“Really. You’re all going to be spending a lot of holidays together in the future. May as well start now.” I kiss her. She wraps her arms around me, and I smell her hair. It’s so funny to be navigating these early relationship milestones and figuring out the pacing when we’re also moving in together and are quite seriously committed.

“I love you. Let’s go buy a house!”


End file.
